Locust!!

A couple of years ago I read all the Little House books with my oldest two children.  I'm not sure which book it is in - but in one of them a big swarm of locust (or grasshoppers) come and eat all the crops - they totally wiped out everything.  How devastated these families must have been!
"And I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25)  This is a verse I have claimed over and over again for the past almost 7 years.  Abuse and Neglect were my sons locust and they ate a lot the first years of his life before we knew him.  We have seen the effects and my heart has cried many times, many times I have prayed "please restore what the locust has eaten."

About a week and a half ago was "Novemberfest in our town.  This is a time of year my kids really look forward to.  One of the local churches bring in all kinds of carnival rides and it’s like a street fair.  The kids get arm bands and they can ride as many rides as they like.  My two youngest wanted to ride the Ferris wheel -- I hate heights -- always have.  So my hubby was standing in line with the two of them - when they reached the top of the line the man said "only 2 riders per cart"  everyone looked at me. I took a deep breath, told myself to put my big girl panties on, smiled and got beside my son and said "I'll ride with you".  Now please understand - this is a carnival Ferris wheel - it swayed every time you moved - it was horrible!  My heart was in feet and I was just trying to maintain a look of a calm, sane person.  Up, up we went and my son started moving around pointing at everything "look mama" I could hardly breathe the cart was swaying to and fro and all I could say was "Baby could you sit still please"  He looked at me and said "are you scared?"  Now - do I really want to tell him I'm scared - but how do I hide it - the truth is -- I am terrified. "Yes baby, Mommy doesn't really like heights - just sit still for me okay"  Then he looked at me kind of like I was stupid and said "well if you were scared why did you get on?"  "I got on because you wanted to ride"  All of the sudden you could see the dots in his little head connecting..."You got on so I could ride, even though you are so scared?"  "Yes baby - Mommy loves you and you really wanted to ride"  My son then did something amazing -- he reached over and touched my white knuckles (because they were grasping the bar so tightly J) and said "I'll sit really still Mommy" and he did.

Now the amazing thing about this is that last year if he knew I was scared he would have found reasons to move because it would have been funny - he would have had the power - he chose to show me compassion.  The other amazing thing is he was able to recognize that I made a sacrifice for him because I love him and he was able to receive that love.

God is restoring what the locust has eaten....

Those of you that know my family personally know that my son is having a tough time presently medically.  He has been in the hospital for about a week now with low lung function, but I guess that would be my next blog....

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and yours!

Dancing through a field of locusts who are losing their power,

Amy

My Baby is Home

Wednesday we were scheduled for court at 3:30 - our case was called  little after 5.  I am so thankful for the judge that has been following our case - many judges would have called it a day  and rescheduled court for those remaining - he stayed hours after our case was already heard to make sure everyone who was on the docket was heard.

It has been a long journey to get to where we are now.  I look back at the last few years of my life and honestly it's like a movie -- surely that woman cannot be me - and yet she is.  I have come from a timid person who tries to please everyone to a person who will scratch, claw and fight anyone for the sake of my children.  I have become a mama bear.  I have cried out to God on many occasions telling Him that it was too much - I can't be asked to give my child up to keep my family together - it is more than I can bear...God would lovingly remind me of a verse or send someone to help strengthen me.

The day that the decision was made and we signed the paperwork placing my child into state custody was the worse day of my life.  I literally felt like I was going to die - I cannot even begin to describe to you the immeasurable sadness, inadequacy, loss and fear that I felt.  Yes we were assured by the state and everyone else that after he had gone through treatment we could have him back -- all we had to do was say we want him at any point - (which by the way - it was not that easy) -we knew this is what they were saying - but once the papers were signed - we had no control.  But in the end - what choice did we really have -- my child needed serious help that he could not get any other way - so I did the hardest thing any mother could ever be asked to do - I gave the state control over my child.

During the last 11 months I have monitored his medical and mental health outside of my home.  I have kept track of medications - picked him up and took him to doctor visits - comforted him over the phone - fought with every state agency I think there is (I think they all now dread the name Amy Pacheco - she's high maintenance) prayed endlessly, moved my whole family out of state so we could be near his hospital, did all the "normal" parenting things with my other kids and discovered who I am in the process.

I have found out that I have many faults – but I have many strengths.  There are those that simply do not care about my family that in the past I desperately wanted them to love us – now I have found others who love us for who we are and hardly give a thought to those other people any more.  I have found both friends and professionals that I & my family can count on – I have found people that I want to be part of their lives and I want them to be able to say of me “ she is someone I can count on”

Wednesday reunification was granted and my son moved back into my house - my heart is full.  He is merging back in so nicely ….but that’s another blog….

Dancing in a full house,

Amy

Do it Anyway

Okay - so I know I have been silent for a little while now.  Let me give a simple explanation - we are currently in the reunification process and I have been given the legal advice to be very careful with my blog because things can be taken out of context and used against us -- I think you all probably understand.  I am dancing despite the storm -- but silently.

I have run across some words that were found on Mother Teresa's wall in Calcutta that are such an inspiration to me and wanted to share them with you -- she may have written them -- but today they are from my heart to you.

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.

Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.

Be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies.

Succeed anyway.

If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you.

Be honest and sincere anyway.

What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight.

Create anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous.

Be happy anyway.

The good you do today, will often be forgotten.

Do good anyway.

Give the best you have, and it will never be enough.

Give your best anyway.

In the final analysis, it is between you and God.

It was never between you and them anyway.

 
The storm may be raging on in your life.....dance anyway.
 
Dancing in the storm,
 
Amy

impossibilities??

Sometimes all that is needed is a small sliver of a chance & the impossible proves to be possible.

Enough said.

Dancing in the possibilities,

Amy

Pieces of the Puzzle

This past week has been – well for loss of a better word -- yucky.  It's much nicer having my son near me - but it's hard not being the one that controls things.  Right now I am not in control of when and where he goes to school, the doctor, church or anything else - not easy for a mom.  Saturday will be the first time since he has come to Florida that he will be allowed on a pass -- I can't wait!

If I have learned anything through this whole process is that none of us really have control - oh we try hard to grab for control, sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that we have it, but when it’s all said and done - outside factors can take control of any given situation at any given moment - control over our lives is just an illusion.  Thankfully, I do know the One who is truly in control.

I was reminded of that this week by my 7 year old.  It seems they were discussing in church that sometimes things are hard - but God knows the end result.  I was told she shared with her class that God is an artist who paints the picture of our lives.  Any good picture has both shadow and light -- it makes the picture pretty.  We get our picture like a puzzle - God only hands us on piece at a time - some of the pieces are shadow pieces - but they help make the picture pretty -- you just have to remember - it's only "one piece" of the puzzle - God has the rest of the pieces.

Wow -- I am amazed - I told my children that analogy over a 2 years ago -- and she obviously took it to heart.  I told them this because I wanted to help them through a difficult time when God just didn't make sense. 

When I lived in Japan my husband was diagnosed with malignant brain cancer - it was an incredibly hard time in my life.  A very dear friend of mine gave me a puzzle piece and said "Amy this part of your life is like this puzzle piece - by itself it doesn't make much sense - but God has the rest of the pieces - trust Him."  I can't tell you how many nights I held onto that puzzle piece - it's imprint sometimes on my hand.  My friend gave me a good piece of wisdom and something tangible to give me hope - it worked so well that I have since shared it with others and now my children - the "puzzle piece" continues to make since out of a hard situations and brings peace.

So this is what I want to tell you today -- whatever it is that you are going through - remember "it's only one piece of the puzzle - by itself it doesn't make much since, but God has the rest of the pieces - trust Him."

Dancing piece by piece,

Amy

My own little hurricane

Yesterday was a "full steam ahead" kind of day.  My day started at 2:30 am.  I double checked everything : airplane tickets, something for my son to do on the plane, court orders, my laptop -- check, check check -- so off I went. 

This was going to be a tight schedule - but not an impossible one.  The idea was that I was going to take an early flight to Arkansas so that I could pick my son up and bring him back same day.  I choose the earliest flight they had because he wasn't coming to my house - he was going to a new environment and I did not want him walking in at midnight -- I wanted to give him some time to acclimate before being sent to bed.  There were no non-stop flights so I was to change over in Atlanta.  

The plane touched down and off we all went -- this airport was HUGE! and busy!  and wouldn't you know it -- my connection was on the clear opposite end of the airport.  So -- full steam ahead.  When I got to the gate it was closed - the plane had already left.  AHHHHH!!!!!!!  To my knowledge, none that had this connection made it as there were a lot of us feeling the panic -- so they sent us to a desk “down the way” to be "rescheduled"

 When it was my turn the lady wanted to put me on a late afternoon flight -- I explained that wouldn't do because I was supposed to be on a plane at 11am with my son headed back to Florida.  She very condescendingly said "I sorry for the inconvenience"  Okay - I will admit it - I was  more than little upset and trying hard to maintain my composure.  So I just laid it on the line.  I said "Look - this is not an "inconvenience -- this is a disaster.  I am picking my son up from a hospital today that it took a court order for me to be able to go get him - I am flying on court orders - if I do not have my son on that airplane then I am going to have to go back in front of the judge - which I will have to wait for a court date -explain why I didn't pick him up- get another court order and do this all over again. -- this is NOT an inconvenience -- I "need" not "want" a flight in a reasonable amount of time."  Still condescendingly

 - she replied "I understand all that - but what do you want me to do about it"  I said " This is your airlines fault - I want you to fix it"  I was just about to ask for a supervisor when a man that was about my father’s age came up behind me and addressed the woman.  He said "I got the last ticket for the 9am flight and don't "need" to be there that early -- can you give it to this mom and give me her ticket please"  I still am in a little shock.  (I don't remember who said it - but I remember learning the quote in school)  "You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat someone who can do absolutely nothing for them"  Mr. Jones expected absolutely nothing from me  -- what a wonderfully kind and compassionate man!  God bless Mr. Jones!  Please when you say your next prayers - pray a special blessing for Mr. Jones.   Anyway -- the ticket agent made the switch - handed him the tickets - he handed them to me (and hugged me) and off I went to the next gate.

I contacted the hospital - because this change in plans left us a bit tighter than originally intended -- my plane was now to land at 10:38 and the next plane with my son (which was a different airline) was taking off  at 11am.  How I was going to go through the gate to get him (the hospital was meeting me at the airport - but I have my sons ticket) and back through security to catch the next plane I wasn't sure -- but God wasn't going to let Mr. Jones generosity go to waste I was sure of it.  So there I was on the plane - as soon as it stopped being one of "those" people who stand in the isles waiting for them to open the doors as if standing there will make them hurry up J -- I rushed through the open doors to find my child and his nurse standing there (evidently a nurse can escort a child through security without a ticket and the hospital called the airlines explained the situation and the airport let both through without tickets - to meet me off the plane -- we rushed to the next gate -- which the RN had waiting for me -- the plane was already loaded.  I was signing discharge papers as the ticket agent was saying "you have to board"  ( it was like the movies)

So on we went onto the plane with the most disagreeable flight attendant I have ever met in my entire life.  She took one look at my son's percussion vest and said "you are going to need to check that"  Now please understand - I am already feeling a little flustered and trying very hard not to let it show - my anxiety affects my sons - so at all costs - I need to "have it together".  I told her "I have a prescription right here that explains that this is a $16,000 fragile piece of medical equipment - it cannot go under the plane -- it's all stated on the prescription it says it has to fly on the plane with me as does this box of meds"  She glared at me.  She said "This is a small plane - it doesn't fit you'll have to check it"  I responded as sweetly as possible "On the small aircrafts when we have traveled in the past - the flight attendants put it in the flight attendant closet"  She said "that is not going to happen!"  A man stood up and came over and said "what about right there - it looks like it would fit there" she in a very ugly manner said "Sir either take your seat or deplane"  Then she looked at me and told me to go talk to the ticket agent -- so back down the little "connected hall thingy" where not only a ticket agent stood but also a man in a pilots outfit - not our pilot -- but still a pilot"  I chose to speak to him.  Long story short.  The percussion vest ended up in the flight attendants closet.  She was awful the rest of the trip - I asked what time the plane was going to land (because I was trying to figure out how much time we had for our connection) and she said "I have no idea - we don't get that kind of information"  Really? the flight attendants do not know when planes are supposed to land?  My son kept saying things like "Mommy she is really rude" and I had to keep saying quietly "It's not going to help a situation by making a disagreeable person angry"

Of course this all had to play out with me sitting on the front row for the whole plane to see -- I was a little embarrassed -- people did continue looking constantly.  As everyone deboarded I was surprised at what happened next.  We waited because I had to get the vest out of the flight attendants cabin - so I let others deboard first -- so many people said to me "I am so sorry that women was so rude (mean, horrible, etc.) to you.  (okay feeling a little less embarrassed)  Then 3 separate people asked for her name as they were deboarding (hmmmm - I wonder why)

Okay - so our next flight happened without any major incident -- Praise God!! I don't think my nerves could have handled much more. 

I took my son to where he will be staying for the next few days and am so thankful that he is once again near me.

When I came home - I came home to find that my 15 year old daughter had cleaned the house to help me so that I wouldn't have to do it this weekend -- isn't she a jewel!

So we encountered a few really rude people on this little adventure – but I will always treasure the extremely kind people we encountered – their kindness far outshone the ugliness of the few.

Dancing through the airport,

Amy

bittersweet

Today was a bittersweet day for me.  Monday we start school full swing (we only did the subjects that are in our co-op this week), so I was busy most the day with lesson planning and preparations.  I know 3 of my 4 kids are going to have a fabulous school year.  I have planned wonderful activities for them and my youngest has lesson plans packed full of games and all the "artsy stuff" that she adores.  I am in sweet anticipation of what the year will bring for them.

Well that was the "sweet part".  As I was doing prep work to some of the projects for my youngest - I was sad and happy at the same time.  Happy because she will enjoy learning....sad because this time last year I had to prepare 2 projects not one.  My son is still not medically ready to be home.  It strikes an awful cord in my heart.  Most of you do not realize how long it has been - so I'll share --- it's been 8 months since my son has been in my home. I miss him.  Despite all the many problems - he is so funny and sweet.  I miss the ever source of energy that used to exhaust me.  I miss taking his hand and trying to explain things that just do not come easy to him.  I miss his soft blond hair & saying night time prayers with him.  I miss his unending excitement. 

I am very thankful that he is getting the help he needs.  I am thankful that even though our insurance has exhausted - he will continue getting treatment just in a new environment.

I am thankful for many things - but tonight -- well tonight, I am just a mommy missing her child.

Slow dancing,

Amy 

Hello Florida!

Well our time in Arkansas has come to a close.  My husband is officially back in the Florida office.  I am so pleased to announce our drive back home was without incident....YAY!!!!!!  J

We came home with both feet running!!!  School has started and for a homeschool family that means a bustle of activity.  Both my girls were accepted into a performance company.  This year I have 1 in high school, 2 in middle school and one in elementary -- it will be a busy year -- but a great one!!  We have a full academic schedule as well as a lot of fun extra-curricular activities.

We also are in full swing preparing for our son to come back to Florida in just a little more than a week.  He will not be in our home yet - but it's one step closer.  Please pray for wisdom for us as we apply for the various services he will need.

Thought for the day:  "those who do not laugh at themselves will leave the job to others"

Dancing, dancing, dancing,

Amy

The Glad Game

 My friend Kellie's youngest (who happens to be my youngest daughters best friend) birthday was on Monday.  They were going up to visit her grandma at her grandma’s cabin.  It was decided that we would all rendezvous is Tenn. for the weekend.  My child with RAD could not come with us for 2 reasons :
1) He was sick
2) We haven't had a overnight pass yet & I am not sure our first one should be out of state.
 (It really has been very hard for me making sure the other children still get to do things even though their brother is hospitalized.  I have to often remind myself they have not made the choices he has made, they are not mentally ill and so they should not lose out on normal things just because currently he is )


While Kellie and I talked about the various hotels in the area that would be close to them; Kellie's mom suggested we just stay at the cabin with everyone for the weekend....and so began our adventures.

I cannot tell you the excitement that was resonating in my household.  Kellie is absolutely one of my favorite people in the world and I could not wait to see her - My oldest daughter could not wait to see her middle daughter - and my youngest could not wait to see their youngest. I must say it really works out nicely that my best friend's daughters are my daughter's best friends. { Bill, oldest daughter of Kellie & Kellie’s mom – we were excited to see you too!!! J }

Amanda & Gabe were back from Europe so our housesitting responsibilities were on hold (and they even volunteered to dog sit -- aren't they awesome!) so Dan decided to come with me (YAY!! J)

On the road the van was abuzz with all the talk of seeing everyone when we heard an incredibly loud pop!  Yep - we had a blow out!  But that would be a little too normal -- so we decided to have a double blow-out.  Evidently there had been something in the road and it popped both the driver side tires.  UGH!! Hubby and I got out and assessed the damage - got back in the van and were getting the insurance papers when we heard a loud crack -- now what??  Oh I see some passerby decided the situation didn't look bad enough to them - so they threw a rock through our back windshield completely shattering it!  UGH AGAIN!!

We called our insurance company's road side assistance and it was going to take forever!  Dan saw a Firestone off the exit and said he would walk down and see what could be done.  By the time he returned Tenn. emergency roadside assistance had come.  The very nice man told Dan he would help take the two tires off and take them back to Firestone (which was wonderful because Dan was going to have to walk them down individually).  My youngest said she had to go to the bathroom so the man was nice enough to let her ride with her Daddy to Firestone.  That left me with the 2 oldest on the side of the road.

I have to say - I am incredibly proud of my 2 oldest.  A little bit of bickering began (after all it wasn't the most pleasant of situations) and I gently reminded them that we are a team.  "It doesn't help the team when bad things happen to be ugly with one another -- this is when we need to be encouraging. This isn’t a tragedy – it just an inconvenience”  I was amazed at how quickly they took the cue!  All bickering ceased and kindness started coming from their lips  (seriously -- I'm sooo proud!!!)  While we were sitting there in the heat of the afternoon waiting for Dan to come back with the tires ( he had called and said the tires were being brought in from another shop) - I told the kids lets name the things we can be thankful for because the situation could be so much worse.  Again - I was so proud -- they came up with a very long list......Daddy decided to come with us, there was a breeze, it's not raining, the man let Mandy go to so she could go to the bathroom....the list went on & on.  (Kellie was so tickled that we did this -- she started teasing me..."it's the glad game"  I had to laugh at myself -- so for all you Pollyanna fans out there ....I have renamed our “thankful list” to the "glad game")  Then they found various ways to entertain themselves without being irritable.  My daughter texted everyone.  My son made creations -- amazing what this child can make out of sticks, rubber strands and duct tape!  It was impressive.  I read a book and prayed that the time would go quickly.

At length - they came back -- the youngest very proud to announce "Daddy let me have 2 cups of coffee!!!"  I said "I can see that" & I could -- she was literally bouncing all over the place.  While the men set to work putting the tires back on - the two youngest set to work embarrassing their older sister.  The youngest stood on the overpass waving at all the cars delighting when they would wave back and my son was pretending to breakdance.  (Oh the trials of a 15 year old sister!)

Oh! and yall will get a kick out of this!!!  Remember the Plexiglas window my husband had fashioned a month or so ago?  He had stuck it in the trunk when we got the car fixed -- so he just ducked taped it to the back where the windshield was supposed to be.  I had to laugh -- it was great -- the wind would not be whipping through the van and my son was saying "look we have a redneck,  hippy van!" (the duct tape was my daughters crafting duct tape - it was tie die)

So off we went in our "redneck - hippy van" to the mountains of Tenn. Our van was to remain that way for a couple of days -- because it's the weekend - no one replaces glass on the weekend.  We were out to make a fashion statement.  I cannot tell you how happy I was when we finally arrived! (we got in a little after midnight - the original time was 7pm)

What a blessing the next couple of days were!  No internet and no phone (texting was available)- just beautiful peaceful mountains and a gorgeous lake view.  It was such a peaceful feeling watching my son & husband fish in the paddle boat while the girls played with their friends in the lake.  It was so nice taking long walks around the lake with Kellie -- sipping coffee on the front porch first thing in the morning watching the chipmunks and humming birds – playing games with both families at night - I can't tell you the last time I had such a wonderful peaceful, relaxing time - it was heaven.  It was preparing me for this weekend... but that's another post...

I really have so many things to be glad about…

Dancing & playing the glad game,

Amy

manipulation

Wow - the more I know about RAD the more I think many politicians must have RAD. J.  A child with RAD is a master in manipulation - which can drive a parent insane - take this week for instance.  My child had a pass so my husband picked him up from the hospital.  In front of the nurses he was loving all over my husband -- hyper and incredibly happy to see him.  The cuteness factor was off the charts.  Then as soon as they leave the hospital and get into the car the hyperness came to a dead stop.  My husband did his best to engage my son in conversation and could only get one word responses.  The pass went okay - but when it was time to take him back - everything was played all over again.  In the car it was hard to get him to engage in conversation, but when he was taken up to the ward he was positively a delight - hugging all over my hubby and saying how much he misses everyone.  With an audience we always get a lot of love and attention.  It can be very irritating at times because if you do not play along then everyone thinks you are such a bad parent -- and the last thing I'm going to do is play along in a lie.  I cherish the real times I get hugs and kisses -- when there doesn't have to be an audience but they are just given because he wants to show love.  I’m not saying the real thing doesn’t sometimes happen with an audience – but if it’s not happening without one….well…

I was complaining about this to God and all I could feel was God saying "I get that all the time"...Okay God - not talking about me here - but my kids -- let’s stay on topic.  But it's true - as Christians, when we are in a group - my goodness how much we love God and are so thankful for what He has done - but how much of that love do we show Him without an audience.  Hmmmm....”Christian RAD behavior” from many of us that would judge the RAD children for doing it to their parents. 

I do not know a lot of things - but this I do know - when a RAD child only shows affection in public it's irritating ; I usually don't want the show because it's not real  & I don't want to be a RAD Christian -- I don't have the excuses my child has - so time to shape up and make sure I’m giving the same amount of affection in private as I do in public.

Dancing in conviction,

Amy

Teamwork

Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe my week!   My son's insurance exhausted on Monday.  He is now officially self-pay status at the hospital.  I can't even tell you  how that scared me.  I'm not sure of the cost of this residential facility (we haven't been home to receive the insurance statements), but the one in Florida was in the ballpark of $20,000 a month.  I do not know anyone who can afford that - maybe the price is different when you are self-pay--- I have no idea. However; an outside agency has agreed to pay for 30 days of care.  My heart is so thankful.  He cannot come back home yet, he isn’t ready.  That probably would have meant foster care which would have eradicated the therapy work that has been done to date.  Putting an Attachment Disorder Kid in foster care doesn’t exactly help with attachment L.  So praise God that is not happening J.

The frustrating part of my week has to do with teamwork.  There are many people on my son's team - doctors, therapists, nurses, advocate, family, HKI, business office, my child, etc.  There are many separate teams from different agencies working together.  This calls for a tremendous amount of teamwork.  I was really impressed with everyone on the team minus one individual.  We had till Tuesday at 9am to get the medical packet into the insurance agency's hands.  Everyone was doing their part.  (If you have never had your child in residential then you have no idea of the mountain of paperwork that has to be completed by various individuals – especially when they are dually diagnosed with both mental and physical conditions.)  The packet hinged on one little thing...a phone call that could only be completed by one person.  Beginning on Thursday we began asking this individual to make the phone call.  By Friday everyone was asking this individual to make the phone call - by Monday some of us were begging for this individual to make the phone call - others of us were demanding he make the phone call.  Yes, you are correct - he didn't make the phone.  Well I guess he did - after 10am on Tuesday.  Too late!  The packets for residential had already been picked up - we have to wait another 7 days to apply -- then there is a 7-10 day review process.  UGH!!!

I fail to see what was so difficult in placing a phone call. It's such a little thing.   Because this professional failed to do his part of the teamwork we are waiting another week.  A week that during this time my son's “open spot" at the other hospital could be given to someone else.  Another week that was unnecessary to have to be paid for in an uninsured spot.  Another week that my son knows he is going somewhere else and has to have anxiety about it.  Another week that our lives hang in the balance - I'm not sure what happens if he doesn't get this spot at the other hospital.  I guess this is where faith comes in...

I want to encourage you today.  Everyone is part of a team in some way - whether it is at work, family life or at play.  Make sure you do your part - only you can do your part and everyone suffers when your part is not done correctly.  You know the acronym for TEAM - Together Everyone Achieves More - it's only partly true - this acronym makes it sound like things can still be achieved without everyone doing their part - just not as much.  Sometimes nothing can be achieved when everyone doesn't do their part.  Be the best part of a team today that you can be - and remember - it's the little things that matter.

Dancing in frustration & then hope & then frustration & then hope,

Amy

Here we go again!

{{ sigh }} 

I wish things could be calm for a little bit - but unfortunately the rain is picking up.  We were informed yesterday that my son will be discharged within 2 weeks even though the therapist states he needs 4 - 6 more months of treatment.  Our insurance has exhausted so he must now be switched over to FL Medicaid.  This was always the plan - from day one when we entered the hospital.  Out private insurance had 150 days of care, when that ran out if he required more time he would just be switched over to Fl. Medicaid (this is his secondary insurance - special needs adoptions usually provide Medicaid).

 Sounds simple enough right??  Nothing ever seems to be simple ...

The hospital also informed us yesterday that they do not take Fl. Medicaid.  You can imagine my surprise since this is something we have been discussing with them since day one!  It seems they thought he could just be switched over to Arkansas Medicaid and everything would work that way....we are in the middle of a permanency plan for my child -- this would have all kinds of complications.  In Florida everyone is on the same page - DCF & the courts understand this is not a case of parental abuse - but rather a case where it wasn't safe to have the child in the home until treatment occurs....you can imagine the mess we will be stepping into if we attempt to change all the players. (if we even could switch to Arkansas Medicaid - which is a big "IF") 

 A facility in Virginia has been suggested to us by the hospital.  I called and checked out the website -- it seems to be a good hospital and a good fit....they even have an opening.  Our only 2 problems (1) Will FL Medicaid approve?  (2) Our child has Cystic Fibrosis as do 2 other children in this hospital.  CF kids cannot be around one another because the different things that grow in their lungs can be harmful to other CF kids (this is the reason they stopped having CF summer camps).  So everyone’s particular lung bacteria’s have to be checked before he can be approved to make sure everyone is compatible.  UGH!  Why does everything have to be so complicated?

So now it's a waiting game - we have applied to the hospital in Virginia, we have applied to Medicaid.  We have very little time -- the flood waters are rising quickly.

Thank God we have an advocate and a Doctor back home helping us - otherwise this would be impossible!

Dancing despite the thunder,

Amy

OH NO!!!!

I know - two posts in 24 hours is a lot -- but my heart is so grieved this morning.  Our adoption support group is in trouble.  The Sylvia Thomas Center for Adoptive & Foster Families has played an intrical role in keeping our family together.  I have not shared many things that have happened in our home on this blog because I do not know how much a person who is not in the same situation would understand - so you get a taste of our lives -- but not the full course.  I will tell you this - the last 6 years have been a nightmare at times.  I have not known how to cope with some of the violence that comes along with a severely mentally ill child.  But there was someone who understood - The Sylvia Thomas Center.  They have been there for me in so many ways.  They have provided emotional support of other parents going through similar situations.  They have provided my stable children with outlets more times than I can count.  They have brought a behaviorist into our home that we never could have afforded.  Not just any behaviorist - a great behaviorist - one who thoroughly understands RAD and what it can do to a family.  They provided a therapist for my youngest child who desperately needed to work out anxiety issues while not understanding her emotions.  She loves her brother but was afraid.  They helped her.  They provided me with extra eyes in the summer time sending an intern to my house 3 times a week during the summer months when my RAD child had to be in line of sight at all times.  They provided case management by developing safety plans and always being supportive and nonjudgmental.  I cannot tell you the number of times I have sat in Sharon Due's office in tears because I simply did not know what to do.  She provided a listening ear, a hug & real world solutions.  For a couple of years when times were really tough financially they provided Christmas for my children - all my children - not just the adoptive one.  They have helped me get my son into a facility when it seemed impossible to do so because he has both a mental illness and a physical illness.  They helped monitor the facility.  When the Department of Children and Families got involved in our case - they were there to vouch for us and say that we were good parents.  They have done this for countless families.  They provided all this at no cost to me.  I can honestly say if it were not for the Sylvia Thomas Center it would not be likely that our family would still be together.

Now the Children's Board of Hillsborough County wants to cut funding to the Sylvia Thomas Center.  Countless families will be affected.  Countless families will separate and children will go back into foster care when there is no support for the parents and families.  My heart is so sad.  Below is the news article:

http://www.wtsp.com/news/topstories/article/202227/250/Budget-cuts-to-affect-post-adoption-agency

I ask you - if you live in Hillsborough County or if you are the parent of foster or adoptive child to write the Children's Board and tell them how important the Sylvia Thomas Center and agencies like them are.  Ask them to not cut the funding.  E-mail your letters to Sharon Dues <sdues@sylviathomascenter.org> and she will forward them to the Children's Board.

Dancing in Sadness,

Amy

Sunshine despite the Rain

Wow!  I can't believe it's been so long since I posted!  This week has been a whirlwind.  We moved in with our friends Amanda & Gabe.  I cannot believe how kind they have been - truly hospitable people with very loving hearts.  We spent the week learning how she does everything and they left for Europe yesterday.  I am hoping that when they come home I'll be able to tell them that we have found a buyer and sold her house -- they would be thrilled.  (They are changing stations with the military).  So the week was filled with moving, learning the intricacies of her house and all the technicalities for selling it & just having a good time with our great new friends.

My oldest son finally saw the specialist.  His pain had subsided, but we were so thankful the appointment finally had come.  He had 2 previous sonograms that had showed a tumor -- this time the sonogram showed nothing -- the tumor was completely gone!  I had to fight back the tears when the doctor told me it was gone.  Of course the doctor had an explanation of "why" it could just go away -- but I know it is because so many people were praying.  God is so good.

Right on the heals of learning my son was going to be okay - my mother called to let me know my Dad had suffered a small heart attack. (literally - I was on my way home from the doctor's appointment) I couldn't help but pray "God I really would like to catch my breath sometimes" - but I knew that God had everything under control - He took care of my son - He could take care of my Daddy.  The doctors caught it in time and have placed another stint into his heart.  He was released from the hospital yesterday.  Again may I just say - God is so good.

Today my child with RAD had the best pass we have had to date.  Things went very well.  Before he went back to the hospital we had a talk about the things that make him feel safe so we can incorporate them into our house.  He became very glum and expressed that he really wants to come home but doesn't think he should come home.  He stated that he isn't ready. We assured him that no one was going to make him come home before he was ready & that would be a team decision - his doctor, therapist, Mommy, Daddy & him.  It was not a pleasant conversation, but I took it as progress that he was open with us and that he realizes that he is not ready.

Today I am hopeful.  I saw God provide us a nice place to stay & take perfect care of my oldest son & intervention for my Daddy.  While it is still raining where my RAD child is concerned - today the sun is shining through the clouds.

For a family - together is the nicest place to be & one day my family will have that again.

Dancing in Hope,

Amy

The Perfect Mom

(Cue soft classical music please)
Growing up all I ever wanted to be was a teacher and a mommy, but mostly a mommy.  My sister and I spent countless hours sketching the design of our houses and talking about what life would be like when we were mothers.  We were going to be the best mothers out there.  Kids in the neighborhood would always be at our house, because that’s where everyone wanted to be.  Our children would be well mannered, secure and at the top of their class.  They would be soooo happy that we were their mothers......nobody can be perfect, but we knew in our hearts - we'd come pretty close.

(This is where the record player screeches to a halt)

Funny how life turns out.  I am not a perfect mother and struggle constantly with feelings of inadequacy.  There was a time in my life, when my oldest two were very young, that I was well known and very respected in the homeschool community.  I believe I gave the image of "having it together" that so many of us want to have. 

Enter RAD child.  Wow - how this child has rocked my world.  Gone is any image of having it together - fact of the matter is - I do not even care about the image any longer - I just desperately long to be what I am not.  Our family therapist has suggested the book to me "The Good Enough Mom" time and time again.  I can't get past the title....yeah that's what I want to be "good enough"  Maybe my epitaph one day will read "Loving wife, good enough mom".  Yeah -- that's what I want.  I don't want to be adequate - I want to be great! ( I know - I should read the book - maybe one day - but today is not that day)

But – “great” is what I constantly feel that I am not.  I allow Satan to place thoughts in my head like "What kind of mother cannot keep her family together?"  "What kind of mother let's her child go into foster care and can't find an alternative to keep her family safe?"  "What kind of mother allows her kids to go through such trauma?"  "What kind of mother has to work so hard at getting her child to attach?"  Many of you - your heart is crying right now because you can relate all too well to the questions.

I want to ask you this today - "Do you love your children?, Would you do anything for them?"  Then if you too struggle with the above questions (or similar ones) call them what they are - Satan's lies.  You are a great mom.  If you are like me - you accomplish things you do not even give yourself credit for because your family does not run like the Andy Griffith Show.  Try to remember - that’s because we don't live in Mayberry.  Our life is not black and white - it's in full "Technicolor".  For those of you who struggle because your child is in residential or your family is separated for some other reason beyond your control and you start feeling like "What kind of  mom can't keep her family together?" - ask yourself if the women of the holocaust were bad mommies.  Of course they weren't - -- circumstances were out of their control.  Sometimes circumstances are out of your control too.

My two oldest children do something that is a balm to my hurting heart.  A few years ago we did a study on Proverbs 31 ( the perfect women).  One of the verses says that “her children will rise up and call her blessed.”  We talked about what that meant.  My 2 wonderful, sensitive, incredible children will sometimes - when they see me having a bad day - come over and whisper in my ear - or hug me and say really loud "Blessed, blessed - blessed"  Makes me tear up just thinking about it.  (Just one of the many items that I stick in the pockets of my heart to pull out on bad days.)

I shared all this because I know I am not the only one that struggles with this - I bet all trauma mamas do ( at least to one extent or another).  And many moms that are not trauma mamas.  It's in our nature, we love those kiddos, so we so desperately want to be what we cannot be.  But we can point them to the One who is.  After all - isn't that what it's all about "Love God and love your neighbor as yourself"  If we were perfect - they really wouldn't look beyond us to Him.  Through our imperfection we can point  them to the perfect One.  And that my friends is what makes each of you an incredible mom - your love for your children - your desire to be better - and your desire for your children to know the loving God.  You deserve to be called “blessed” by your children – and one day you will be.  You may not be the “perfect mom” – but “your price is far above rubies” because you are an incredible mom – whether you feel like you are or not.

Dancing in imperfection ( and trying to be okay with it),

Amy

Wind's a Changing!

Wow - you guys must be praying for my family - Thank you.  The last 24 hours have been bright.

We took my son back to the ER yesterday because of his pain level.  They did some more tests and came back alternating the word tumor and the word cyst.  I said "Which is it - a tumor or a cyst?"  The doctor said "a cyst is a tumor"  "Maybe technically - but not in my world -- tumor implies cancer."   He studied me for a couple of seconds then said "This type of tumor is rarely malignant - the chances are miniscule."  Relief flooded my soul.  He then told me to follow up with the specialist.  I explained our dilemma with both the insurance and trying to actually speak to a person at the doctor’s office - "I would like a follow-up scheduled through the ER please"  He urged me just to go home and call until finally I said "I'm not leaving without follow-up care, even without cancer - my son is in a lot of pain" (I don't think he liked me much - I made him explain things to me that he just wanted to rattle off.  That's what happens when you have another child with a lifelong disease -- you learn to expect understandable answers to your questions especially when you are accustomed to the wonderful pulmonologist my son has – she treats a parent with respect and doesn’t try to talk over our heads.)  We were told the doctor was in surgery and would have to wait maybe a couple of hours." I told him that was fine.  Much later a resident came in to talk to me (I guess doc didn't want me asking more questions J) and told me they had spoken to the surgeon and one of his residents would be calling me tomorrow as the clinic was already closed... and so we left.   But left with the knowledge that my baby doesn't have cancer!!!!!

Another amazing thing has happened to us.  Some friends of ours here in Arkansas, Amanda & Gabe, have offered to let us use their upstairs for the remainder of our stay.  What an incredible gift - I was so overwhelmed when the offer was made and now my heart is just filled with gratitude.  Paying the hotel bill while we have been here is like paying two mortgages for us (we still have to pay our mortgage back home)- it's been difficult to say the least (but isn't that the kind of thing we all are willing to do for our kids) - this will ease such a burden - I can't even begin to tell you.

And to add to everything else, my best friend Kellie called me yesterday to say she and her daughter were coming up to Arkansas to visit us - they will be here tonight -- I AM SO EXCITED!  So is my daughter.

I’m allowed to call my son tonight in residential – I’m hoping things are going as well in that part of our lives too.

So the wind is definitely blowing in a different direction - I'm not as tired today.  The storm is turning  from a chilling one to a warm summer rain.

Dancing happily,

Amy

Strong Enough- Matthew West

Have you ever been so very tired that you really don't know how to keep going? That has been this week for me. On the 4th of July my oldest son woke at 4am in incredible pain. We took him to the ER and he has a tumor. A TUMOR!!!!

We were told to bring him to the doctor the next day because of it being the 4Th nothing would be done until then - but he definitely needs surgery. I thought "Really??? How much more are you going to give me God? I can't handle this too."

The next morning I called his pediatrician and told her everything. She attempted to put in the referral to the specialist....Our insurance company would not let it go through -- we are out of state for more than 30 days - we have to switch regions.....UGH!!!! After explaining to the agent the type of pain med my child is on every six hours to maintain the pain I got her to authorize one visit -- but no more - we have to switch regions, which takes time. (to give you a little clue as to his pain - they offered him morophine in the ER). We are having problems talking to a person at the specialist office - first of all it has to be doc to doc consult for the first visit. Our doctor has left several messages...UGH! AGAIN!

I cannot tell you how tired I am of fighting for every medical appointment in my children's lives. (not to mention everything else I have to fight for in their lives). I am fighting on a daily basis for treatment for my child with RAD and now it is starting with my older son. The diagnosis & watching him in pain is hard enough -- I shouldn't have to be fighting to get him a medical appointment! Same thing with my other son...the things I deal with on a daily basis take so much of my energy....that the system zaps what little I have left! And I really need that energy right now -- as of the 4th he's not doing so great.

Today I am weary...I'm simply not strong enough for this...but at least I can rest in the fact that He is strong enough for the both us.

I hope you listened to the song - it's beautiful.

Dancing wearily,

Amy

Outrage

As I listen to the news and review posts on Facebook about this little girl who was so severely abused and no justice has been declared for her, my heart mourns.  My heart mourns even more at the number of people who are outraged by this incident, because they will do nothing but talk about how mad they are.  I live with a child who was severely abused and neglected, this abuse has had serious ramifications on him and my whole family and yet his abusers walk around freely.

Today I was reading my friend Tracy's blog - she said exactly what is in my heart -- so for today my blog is "Go to Tracy's blog and read it"  www.attachmentsupport.blogspot.com

Dancing in the hope that people will do more than talk,

Amy

Bravery

My kids are often asked to be brave (feeling the fear and doing it anyway).  Loving someone with mental illness is not easy and it requires true bravery at times.  Many times though, we overlook at how this affects our kids everyday life - something they have learned in one area will cross over into other areas.

This week my eldest son and youngest daughter decided they wanted to try out for Missoula's Children’s Theatre.  This is a traveling theatre group that comes in - holds auditions and the children have one week of intense rehearsals and then a production.  We talked about while I was happy for them to try-out; they needed to be aware that there would be MANY cuts - not everyone would get a part.  They were convinced they wanted to do it -- so Monday morning bright and early we were in the community hall with almost 90 other children and their parents. 

The auditions seemed to go on forever -- the children were placed in a large circle and the directors would move children from one part of the circle to another after they said various lines- which kept all the parents wondering "was that a good move - or a you're getting cut move?".  Honestly I think all the parents were more nervous for our kids then the kids were...at least until "it" happened.  The director said "Now I need to hear you sing"  Oh no!!! My kids don't sing in front of people -- nobody said there would be singing!  He began having groups of 10 kids singing together and just would come by and listen in front of each child.  "Oh now - that's not soooo bad" I thought.  Then "it" happened -- he pointed at my son and one other boy and said "Move forward - I need to hear you sing alone"  Okay - there were well over a hundred people in this room - my stomach was in knots for my child.  I thought "He's never going to do it -- I know I wouldn't"  He pointed at my son and my son did the most amazing thing.  He nonchalantly looked around the room and opened his mouth and in a clear loud voice began to sing.  Wow - I was so proud -- not because he sounded good (which he did) but because he did it!

I asked him after the audition if he were scared and he said "terrified - but I knew if I wanted the part I needed to do it"  Bravery -- feeling the fear and doing it anyway.  On Friday night my son made the best Gryphon & my daughter the best lobster Alice in Wonderland has ever seen.

It may seem like a small feat to you - but I think it's huge.  How many opportunities pass us by because we are scared?  How many times do we not do the right thing because we are fearful?  God did not give us the "spirit of fear" hmmm... so who do you think it is that does?

Be brave in your life today - whether it is something that you know that you should do or something that you really want to do.  Be brave --- feel the fear and do it anyway.

Dancing with pride in my children,

Amy

It was a good day!

Yesterday was a good day.  It was the kind of day that you stick in the pocket of your heart so you can pull it out on a dreary day to remind you that it's going to be okay.

It was my oldest daughter's 15th birthday.  We were all hoping that my son would earn a pass so that he could spend it with us & he did!  He told me "Mommy I was trying so hard to get a pass because I wanted to spend (sister's) birthday with her"  This is huge for an attachment disorder child.  He wanted to be with the family and did the work necessary to make it happen.  Yay! Hope.

It was a lovely day.  He played well with the other kids and we had a great time celebrating my daughter’s birthday.  I know she wished her friends could be at her "party", but was very sweet in saying that "my family is here and that's all that matters".  I made my daughters favorite lunch and then we took the kids bowling and had chocolate mousse cake (yummy).  She said she didn't want us to sing to her and make a scene so we did what any good parents would do -- we sang at the top of our lungs so the whole alley would notice J.

I am so thankful for my children.  I am thankful for their unselfish attitude of putting their family first.  I am thankful that my son worked to get a pass and I am thankful that we all had a nice family day for my daughter’s birthday -- I can't believe she is 15 -- Where does the time go?

Dancing in gratitude,

Amy

Able & Willing

Sixteen years ago we were living in Japan.  This was a wonderful chapter in my life.  We had a great military church & things just seemed to be going our way.  The only thing we lacked was a child.  How I yearned for a little one to hold, but month after month was brought to tears.

We put ourselves on the adoption list & were very hopeful - every time we went to the orphanage with the church all I could imagine was taking one of those little ones home.  But it was not to be.  In September of 1995 my husband was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor - our world crashed.  All I remember of that doctors visit is the x-ray and the doctor saying "see this right here - it's not supposed to be there"  He said many other things - but I really can't tell you what they were - I just sat there - thinking over and over "Oh my God - my husband has cancer."  Then the final words that doctor said "Do you have a will?"  We were sent from the doctor’s office to the legal office on base to make my husbands will.  I was so scared and sad.  Our friends Carol & Tim accompanied us to the legal office (wonderful people - if you know them, then you have been blessed.).  I remember commenting to Carol what a pretty day it was - it wasn't right for it to be so pretty - when I was so gloomy, if God cared it would be a gloomy day.  We all went into the legal office and Dan and Tim went back to do Dan's will - I didn't want to go back, Carol sat and held my hand in the waiting room.  When we walked outside it was the most gloomy depressing day you ever saw - overcast & yucky!  I looked at Carol and said "I feel better".  It didn't last but a few minutes, but I still believe God sent me that yuckiness to know He cared.

Many other things happened - but I want to get to the point of today's blog - so just know-- I'm skipping a lot.  I was so distraught - I needed assurance that Dan would be okay.  So I did something daring ( at least for the Baptist that I am).  I prayed for a sign.  I told God I needed assurance that Dan would be with me so I asked for the only thing I could think of that I wouldn't reason away.   I asked to get pregnant.  I told no one - just hoped and prayed.  In October I felt as if my life were over when my menstrual cycle came.  I couldn't quit crying.  Finally Dan got it out of me & he said "Amy - we are Baptist - we do not pray for signs, we just trust God -- it doesn't mean anything"  But God knew my heart.  He knew that I wasn't asking if He was God or if He was powerful -- I knew He was God and I knew He was ALL powerful - I just wanted to know that my husband was not going to die.

Dan had his surgery in November at Balboa Naval Medical Center.  It was a 22 hour surgery (Dan's an overachiever -- no regular run of the mill brain tumor for him J).  I was allowed to see him at the 36 hour mark.  They prepared me - "Your husband does not look like your husband - there is a lot of swelling"  They were right - He had (I think) 5 arterial lines and a blood drainage tube coming out of his very bandaged head.  What I saw should have terrified me - but when I laid eyes on Dan a peace that I cannot explain washed over me and all I could think was "I'm pregnant & you are going to be okay"  I was not late yet - so there was no "indicator" of pregnancy - just God speaking to my heart.  It was true - I was pregnant with my beautiful baby girl.  Today that baby turns 15.  She has been such a shining light in my life and an ever present reminder of God's unending love.

I want to encourage you today with this "God is able & God is willing.  He wants to be there for you.  Let Him -- you'll be so glad you did.

Dancing in God's love,

Amy

Tough Love

Yesterday was bittersweet.  We had a great family day minus one.  My son continues to struggle in the residential environment.  I don't know if he is testing limits or sabotaging himself because of anxiety but he tends to act out right before a pass and then doesn't get one.  My husband told him a couple weeks ago that the family will be doing fun things on Saturdays, if he would like to see us he needs to get a pass - we will not go in the middle of the afternoon to the hospital.  He will see us later in the week for family therapy if he doesn't get a pass.  He told him "We have moved the whole family up to Arkansas for the summer - your siblings gave up their camps and summer plans to be here with you - we have done our part --you need to do yours.  Behave and get a pass."  I know it seems harsh not visiting on Saturdays - but we are trying to get him to work at being part of the family - just like we are working for him to be part of it.  But it is extremely hard for me -- tough love - I would so much rather hugs and kisses -- but this is what must be done to get to the hugs and kisses....sigh.

So yesterday we were minus one in our family adventure & when I called later he was not on the unit so I didn't get to speak to him - I just left a message.  Tuesday is my oldest girls birthday - we are hoping he will earn a pass - family days are important and they are hard when everyone is not present.  But it is my job to see that she has a wonderful birthday - with or without all present -- And that is exactly what I plan to do.

We took the kids to see a waterfall yesterday -- again quite a feat for Florida children!  I loved watching them play in the falls!  They were having a blast.  It was quite a hike getting there - not an easy climb - the brochure listed it as strenuous - and it was.  It was so worth the climb though -- all agreed.  I think it was the perfect illustration of our life right now - we are doing the strenuous climbing - but eventually we will get to our destination and be so happy we made the climb! 

I watched the beauty of the falls and all the wonderful scenery around and it gave my heart hope - surely the Creator of all this beauty is capable of creating a beautiful outcome in our lives.

Keep on climbing till you reach your destination - the beauty of it all will overtake you!

Dancing in the Falls,

Amy

Mountain Tops

This week we were able to do something amazing (at least for the Florida girl).  We climbed a real mountain!!!  Florida is flat - so when we took all 4 of our children (YES!!! My son did get a pass for Father's Day!!!) to the base of the mountain & they looked up -- they were a bit overwhelmed.  "Ummm - mom -- are you serious -- you want us to climb all the way up that???"  Daddy cut-in "It's Father's Day & this is what I want to do" -- so up we went - 2 adults, 4 kids & a dog.  I felt like singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music" as we went up -- but much to my teenagers relief - I restrained myself.
We hadn't gone far when a snaked slithered out from under a rock -- which sent my youngest into hysterics.  He slithered away & she declared that she wasn't going any farther - "it's too scary."  I told her “you are going to have to be brave - Mommy will not let anything hurt you” and she said "I can't be brave - I'm scared"  So I told her what I have told the other 3 on numerous occasions - "It's not brave unless you are scared - bravery is feeling scared and doing it anyway"  So up she went - complaining - but climbing.
We were about half way up when one of the kids noticed a very small hole in my husband’s shorts by his back pocket -- "Oh well can't do anything about it now- it's just a little hole" so he untucked his shirt and continued to climb.  Like so many things in our lives -- it didn't stay  little for long.   The kids had so much fun measuring the passing of time by the hole in Daddy's shorts.   By the time we reached the bottom of the mountain -- the pocket was almost completely off -- I'm trying to show them the beauty of God's creation & what are they going to remember -- Daddy has bright red undies J.  Oh well. 
They were really proud of themselves when it was over & they had such a sense of accomplishment.

Some things I learned from the climb:
* Climbing up the mountain isn't as difficult as coming down.
* Children who start out complaining about a task - want to do it again when it's over
* And -- my dog is part billy goat -- seriously I never would have thought she could scale those rocks so quickly!

Mountain climbing provided my kids with a sense that they could conquer just about anything -- I definitely recommend it if you ever get the chance.  I’m sure I will be using the phrase “sure you can – you can even climb a mountain” in the future.

I hope you are getting to the tops of your mountains this week.

Dancing on the mountain tops,

Amy

All I Want

Attachment disorder kids can try your very last nerve.  They push you away with the most horrible behaviors.  They make you feel like they do not want to be part of your family.  The truth is - they do not know how to be part of your family. 
It's heart wrenching as parents to realize that all the love we pour out is not being received because the child simply doesn't know "how" to receive it.  We want to believe that love is enough and enough hugs will fix the problem, but for a child that did not learn what love was in the  early stages  of life, hasn't learned how to accept love - they were not given those basic foundations - instead of love they were given neglect or abuse.  When they were young they tried for love in the "normal ways" and it did not work - so why is it so surprising that they no longer try the normal way.  Instead they truly believe they are not worthy to receive love - they are bad.  Now I'm not talking about realizing you have a sin nature - yes I know we are all bad -- but what must it be like to believe that you are so unworthy of love that you will not allow yourself to receive it - even though you desperately want it.  This is the issue that so many of our children face.  It is the reason they constantly push us away with behaviors ( sometimes even violent behaviours) because you are offering what they can not have. 

 Can this be overcome?  Of course it can - but it takes a lot of time and a lot of work both on the parents part and the child's.  The child did not form this belief over night - the belief will not be changed over night either.  Funny we give ourselves a lot of time to take off the baby weight that took us nine months to put on -- same concept - it took a long time to put on this belief - it's going to take awhile to take it off.  Attachment disorder kids have to learn how to be part of a family, how to accept love and how to give it.  It doesn't mean they don't want it - they just don't know how to get it.  That's where we as parents and caregivers come in.  It's not as easy as it sounds - to teach love - it's very difficult undoing the wrongs someone else has implanted in our children - but we must remember this - they want it.

Here are 2 poems written by an attachment disorder child who is still struggling (I'm not sharing the authors name for privacy reasons)  She did a very nice job on them & I think I can safely say she speaks for so many children.

All I Want

All I want is for someone to care.  All I want is for someone to love me, for who I am, not who they want me to be.

All I want is for people to stop trying to change me into someone I am not.  I don't want to be who others want me to be.  All I want is to be me.

All I want is for someone to take time and listen to what I have to say.

All I want is to be able to escape the pain that I deal with every single day.

All I want is to know that there are people out there that I can trust.  All I want is a family that I can keep forever.  I want my biological family to be together again.  All I want is to be able to know my biological family.

All I want is to know that someone will always be there for me no matter what.  This is all that I want....is it too much to ask?

What I Need

What I need is to know that I will never be alone.

What I need is to have someone somewhere love me for just being me.

What I need is for someone to listen to what I have to say once in a while.

What I need is to be able to trust and count on people.

What I need is a family where I can belong and feel loved with.

What I need is for someone to care and protect me.

What I need is a sense of security.  I need to know that I will always be safe no matter where I am or who I am with.

What I need is a home where I can stay.

What I need is to know that I have friends and family that I can count on.

What I need is to know that I will always have someone to turn to in my times of trouble.

That is all I need.