Locust!!

A couple of years ago I read all the Little House books with my oldest two children.  I'm not sure which book it is in - but in one of them a big swarm of locust (or grasshoppers) come and eat all the crops - they totally wiped out everything.  How devastated these families must have been!
"And I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25)  This is a verse I have claimed over and over again for the past almost 7 years.  Abuse and Neglect were my sons locust and they ate a lot the first years of his life before we knew him.  We have seen the effects and my heart has cried many times, many times I have prayed "please restore what the locust has eaten."

About a week and a half ago was "Novemberfest in our town.  This is a time of year my kids really look forward to.  One of the local churches bring in all kinds of carnival rides and it’s like a street fair.  The kids get arm bands and they can ride as many rides as they like.  My two youngest wanted to ride the Ferris wheel -- I hate heights -- always have.  So my hubby was standing in line with the two of them - when they reached the top of the line the man said "only 2 riders per cart"  everyone looked at me. I took a deep breath, told myself to put my big girl panties on, smiled and got beside my son and said "I'll ride with you".  Now please understand - this is a carnival Ferris wheel - it swayed every time you moved - it was horrible!  My heart was in feet and I was just trying to maintain a look of a calm, sane person.  Up, up we went and my son started moving around pointing at everything "look mama" I could hardly breathe the cart was swaying to and fro and all I could say was "Baby could you sit still please"  He looked at me and said "are you scared?"  Now - do I really want to tell him I'm scared - but how do I hide it - the truth is -- I am terrified. "Yes baby, Mommy doesn't really like heights - just sit still for me okay"  Then he looked at me kind of like I was stupid and said "well if you were scared why did you get on?"  "I got on because you wanted to ride"  All of the sudden you could see the dots in his little head connecting..."You got on so I could ride, even though you are so scared?"  "Yes baby - Mommy loves you and you really wanted to ride"  My son then did something amazing -- he reached over and touched my white knuckles (because they were grasping the bar so tightly J) and said "I'll sit really still Mommy" and he did.

Now the amazing thing about this is that last year if he knew I was scared he would have found reasons to move because it would have been funny - he would have had the power - he chose to show me compassion.  The other amazing thing is he was able to recognize that I made a sacrifice for him because I love him and he was able to receive that love.

God is restoring what the locust has eaten....

Those of you that know my family personally know that my son is having a tough time presently medically.  He has been in the hospital for about a week now with low lung function, but I guess that would be my next blog....

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and yours!

Dancing through a field of locusts who are losing their power,

Amy

impossibilities??

Sometimes all that is needed is a small sliver of a chance & the impossible proves to be possible.

Enough said.

Dancing in the possibilities,

Amy

Pieces of the Puzzle

This past week has been – well for loss of a better word -- yucky.  It's much nicer having my son near me - but it's hard not being the one that controls things.  Right now I am not in control of when and where he goes to school, the doctor, church or anything else - not easy for a mom.  Saturday will be the first time since he has come to Florida that he will be allowed on a pass -- I can't wait!

If I have learned anything through this whole process is that none of us really have control - oh we try hard to grab for control, sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that we have it, but when it’s all said and done - outside factors can take control of any given situation at any given moment - control over our lives is just an illusion.  Thankfully, I do know the One who is truly in control.

I was reminded of that this week by my 7 year old.  It seems they were discussing in church that sometimes things are hard - but God knows the end result.  I was told she shared with her class that God is an artist who paints the picture of our lives.  Any good picture has both shadow and light -- it makes the picture pretty.  We get our picture like a puzzle - God only hands us on piece at a time - some of the pieces are shadow pieces - but they help make the picture pretty -- you just have to remember - it's only "one piece" of the puzzle - God has the rest of the pieces.

Wow -- I am amazed - I told my children that analogy over a 2 years ago -- and she obviously took it to heart.  I told them this because I wanted to help them through a difficult time when God just didn't make sense. 

When I lived in Japan my husband was diagnosed with malignant brain cancer - it was an incredibly hard time in my life.  A very dear friend of mine gave me a puzzle piece and said "Amy this part of your life is like this puzzle piece - by itself it doesn't make much sense - but God has the rest of the pieces - trust Him."  I can't tell you how many nights I held onto that puzzle piece - it's imprint sometimes on my hand.  My friend gave me a good piece of wisdom and something tangible to give me hope - it worked so well that I have since shared it with others and now my children - the "puzzle piece" continues to make since out of a hard situations and brings peace.

So this is what I want to tell you today -- whatever it is that you are going through - remember "it's only one piece of the puzzle - by itself it doesn't make much since, but God has the rest of the pieces - trust Him."

Dancing piece by piece,

Amy

My own little hurricane

Yesterday was a "full steam ahead" kind of day.  My day started at 2:30 am.  I double checked everything : airplane tickets, something for my son to do on the plane, court orders, my laptop -- check, check check -- so off I went. 

This was going to be a tight schedule - but not an impossible one.  The idea was that I was going to take an early flight to Arkansas so that I could pick my son up and bring him back same day.  I choose the earliest flight they had because he wasn't coming to my house - he was going to a new environment and I did not want him walking in at midnight -- I wanted to give him some time to acclimate before being sent to bed.  There were no non-stop flights so I was to change over in Atlanta.  

The plane touched down and off we all went -- this airport was HUGE! and busy!  and wouldn't you know it -- my connection was on the clear opposite end of the airport.  So -- full steam ahead.  When I got to the gate it was closed - the plane had already left.  AHHHHH!!!!!!!  To my knowledge, none that had this connection made it as there were a lot of us feeling the panic -- so they sent us to a desk “down the way” to be "rescheduled"

 When it was my turn the lady wanted to put me on a late afternoon flight -- I explained that wouldn't do because I was supposed to be on a plane at 11am with my son headed back to Florida.  She very condescendingly said "I sorry for the inconvenience"  Okay - I will admit it - I was  more than little upset and trying hard to maintain my composure.  So I just laid it on the line.  I said "Look - this is not an "inconvenience -- this is a disaster.  I am picking my son up from a hospital today that it took a court order for me to be able to go get him - I am flying on court orders - if I do not have my son on that airplane then I am going to have to go back in front of the judge - which I will have to wait for a court date -explain why I didn't pick him up- get another court order and do this all over again. -- this is NOT an inconvenience -- I "need" not "want" a flight in a reasonable amount of time."  Still condescendingly

 - she replied "I understand all that - but what do you want me to do about it"  I said " This is your airlines fault - I want you to fix it"  I was just about to ask for a supervisor when a man that was about my father’s age came up behind me and addressed the woman.  He said "I got the last ticket for the 9am flight and don't "need" to be there that early -- can you give it to this mom and give me her ticket please"  I still am in a little shock.  (I don't remember who said it - but I remember learning the quote in school)  "You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat someone who can do absolutely nothing for them"  Mr. Jones expected absolutely nothing from me  -- what a wonderfully kind and compassionate man!  God bless Mr. Jones!  Please when you say your next prayers - pray a special blessing for Mr. Jones.   Anyway -- the ticket agent made the switch - handed him the tickets - he handed them to me (and hugged me) and off I went to the next gate.

I contacted the hospital - because this change in plans left us a bit tighter than originally intended -- my plane was now to land at 10:38 and the next plane with my son (which was a different airline) was taking off  at 11am.  How I was going to go through the gate to get him (the hospital was meeting me at the airport - but I have my sons ticket) and back through security to catch the next plane I wasn't sure -- but God wasn't going to let Mr. Jones generosity go to waste I was sure of it.  So there I was on the plane - as soon as it stopped being one of "those" people who stand in the isles waiting for them to open the doors as if standing there will make them hurry up J -- I rushed through the open doors to find my child and his nurse standing there (evidently a nurse can escort a child through security without a ticket and the hospital called the airlines explained the situation and the airport let both through without tickets - to meet me off the plane -- we rushed to the next gate -- which the RN had waiting for me -- the plane was already loaded.  I was signing discharge papers as the ticket agent was saying "you have to board"  ( it was like the movies)

So on we went onto the plane with the most disagreeable flight attendant I have ever met in my entire life.  She took one look at my son's percussion vest and said "you are going to need to check that"  Now please understand - I am already feeling a little flustered and trying very hard not to let it show - my anxiety affects my sons - so at all costs - I need to "have it together".  I told her "I have a prescription right here that explains that this is a $16,000 fragile piece of medical equipment - it cannot go under the plane -- it's all stated on the prescription it says it has to fly on the plane with me as does this box of meds"  She glared at me.  She said "This is a small plane - it doesn't fit you'll have to check it"  I responded as sweetly as possible "On the small aircrafts when we have traveled in the past - the flight attendants put it in the flight attendant closet"  She said "that is not going to happen!"  A man stood up and came over and said "what about right there - it looks like it would fit there" she in a very ugly manner said "Sir either take your seat or deplane"  Then she looked at me and told me to go talk to the ticket agent -- so back down the little "connected hall thingy" where not only a ticket agent stood but also a man in a pilots outfit - not our pilot -- but still a pilot"  I chose to speak to him.  Long story short.  The percussion vest ended up in the flight attendants closet.  She was awful the rest of the trip - I asked what time the plane was going to land (because I was trying to figure out how much time we had for our connection) and she said "I have no idea - we don't get that kind of information"  Really? the flight attendants do not know when planes are supposed to land?  My son kept saying things like "Mommy she is really rude" and I had to keep saying quietly "It's not going to help a situation by making a disagreeable person angry"

Of course this all had to play out with me sitting on the front row for the whole plane to see -- I was a little embarrassed -- people did continue looking constantly.  As everyone deboarded I was surprised at what happened next.  We waited because I had to get the vest out of the flight attendants cabin - so I let others deboard first -- so many people said to me "I am so sorry that women was so rude (mean, horrible, etc.) to you.  (okay feeling a little less embarrassed)  Then 3 separate people asked for her name as they were deboarding (hmmmm - I wonder why)

Okay - so our next flight happened without any major incident -- Praise God!! I don't think my nerves could have handled much more. 

I took my son to where he will be staying for the next few days and am so thankful that he is once again near me.

When I came home - I came home to find that my 15 year old daughter had cleaned the house to help me so that I wouldn't have to do it this weekend -- isn't she a jewel!

So we encountered a few really rude people on this little adventure – but I will always treasure the extremely kind people we encountered – their kindness far outshone the ugliness of the few.

Dancing through the airport,

Amy

manipulation

Wow - the more I know about RAD the more I think many politicians must have RAD. J.  A child with RAD is a master in manipulation - which can drive a parent insane - take this week for instance.  My child had a pass so my husband picked him up from the hospital.  In front of the nurses he was loving all over my husband -- hyper and incredibly happy to see him.  The cuteness factor was off the charts.  Then as soon as they leave the hospital and get into the car the hyperness came to a dead stop.  My husband did his best to engage my son in conversation and could only get one word responses.  The pass went okay - but when it was time to take him back - everything was played all over again.  In the car it was hard to get him to engage in conversation, but when he was taken up to the ward he was positively a delight - hugging all over my hubby and saying how much he misses everyone.  With an audience we always get a lot of love and attention.  It can be very irritating at times because if you do not play along then everyone thinks you are such a bad parent -- and the last thing I'm going to do is play along in a lie.  I cherish the real times I get hugs and kisses -- when there doesn't have to be an audience but they are just given because he wants to show love.  I’m not saying the real thing doesn’t sometimes happen with an audience – but if it’s not happening without one….well…

I was complaining about this to God and all I could feel was God saying "I get that all the time"...Okay God - not talking about me here - but my kids -- let’s stay on topic.  But it's true - as Christians, when we are in a group - my goodness how much we love God and are so thankful for what He has done - but how much of that love do we show Him without an audience.  Hmmmm....”Christian RAD behavior” from many of us that would judge the RAD children for doing it to their parents. 

I do not know a lot of things - but this I do know - when a RAD child only shows affection in public it's irritating ; I usually don't want the show because it's not real  & I don't want to be a RAD Christian -- I don't have the excuses my child has - so time to shape up and make sure I’m giving the same amount of affection in private as I do in public.

Dancing in conviction,

Amy

Teamwork

Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe my week!   My son's insurance exhausted on Monday.  He is now officially self-pay status at the hospital.  I can't even tell you  how that scared me.  I'm not sure of the cost of this residential facility (we haven't been home to receive the insurance statements), but the one in Florida was in the ballpark of $20,000 a month.  I do not know anyone who can afford that - maybe the price is different when you are self-pay--- I have no idea. However; an outside agency has agreed to pay for 30 days of care.  My heart is so thankful.  He cannot come back home yet, he isn’t ready.  That probably would have meant foster care which would have eradicated the therapy work that has been done to date.  Putting an Attachment Disorder Kid in foster care doesn’t exactly help with attachment L.  So praise God that is not happening J.

The frustrating part of my week has to do with teamwork.  There are many people on my son's team - doctors, therapists, nurses, advocate, family, HKI, business office, my child, etc.  There are many separate teams from different agencies working together.  This calls for a tremendous amount of teamwork.  I was really impressed with everyone on the team minus one individual.  We had till Tuesday at 9am to get the medical packet into the insurance agency's hands.  Everyone was doing their part.  (If you have never had your child in residential then you have no idea of the mountain of paperwork that has to be completed by various individuals – especially when they are dually diagnosed with both mental and physical conditions.)  The packet hinged on one little thing...a phone call that could only be completed by one person.  Beginning on Thursday we began asking this individual to make the phone call.  By Friday everyone was asking this individual to make the phone call - by Monday some of us were begging for this individual to make the phone call - others of us were demanding he make the phone call.  Yes, you are correct - he didn't make the phone.  Well I guess he did - after 10am on Tuesday.  Too late!  The packets for residential had already been picked up - we have to wait another 7 days to apply -- then there is a 7-10 day review process.  UGH!!!

I fail to see what was so difficult in placing a phone call. It's such a little thing.   Because this professional failed to do his part of the teamwork we are waiting another week.  A week that during this time my son's “open spot" at the other hospital could be given to someone else.  Another week that was unnecessary to have to be paid for in an uninsured spot.  Another week that my son knows he is going somewhere else and has to have anxiety about it.  Another week that our lives hang in the balance - I'm not sure what happens if he doesn't get this spot at the other hospital.  I guess this is where faith comes in...

I want to encourage you today.  Everyone is part of a team in some way - whether it is at work, family life or at play.  Make sure you do your part - only you can do your part and everyone suffers when your part is not done correctly.  You know the acronym for TEAM - Together Everyone Achieves More - it's only partly true - this acronym makes it sound like things can still be achieved without everyone doing their part - just not as much.  Sometimes nothing can be achieved when everyone doesn't do their part.  Be the best part of a team today that you can be - and remember - it's the little things that matter.

Dancing in frustration & then hope & then frustration & then hope,

Amy

Sunshine despite the Rain

Wow!  I can't believe it's been so long since I posted!  This week has been a whirlwind.  We moved in with our friends Amanda & Gabe.  I cannot believe how kind they have been - truly hospitable people with very loving hearts.  We spent the week learning how she does everything and they left for Europe yesterday.  I am hoping that when they come home I'll be able to tell them that we have found a buyer and sold her house -- they would be thrilled.  (They are changing stations with the military).  So the week was filled with moving, learning the intricacies of her house and all the technicalities for selling it & just having a good time with our great new friends.

My oldest son finally saw the specialist.  His pain had subsided, but we were so thankful the appointment finally had come.  He had 2 previous sonograms that had showed a tumor -- this time the sonogram showed nothing -- the tumor was completely gone!  I had to fight back the tears when the doctor told me it was gone.  Of course the doctor had an explanation of "why" it could just go away -- but I know it is because so many people were praying.  God is so good.

Right on the heals of learning my son was going to be okay - my mother called to let me know my Dad had suffered a small heart attack. (literally - I was on my way home from the doctor's appointment) I couldn't help but pray "God I really would like to catch my breath sometimes" - but I knew that God had everything under control - He took care of my son - He could take care of my Daddy.  The doctors caught it in time and have placed another stint into his heart.  He was released from the hospital yesterday.  Again may I just say - God is so good.

Today my child with RAD had the best pass we have had to date.  Things went very well.  Before he went back to the hospital we had a talk about the things that make him feel safe so we can incorporate them into our house.  He became very glum and expressed that he really wants to come home but doesn't think he should come home.  He stated that he isn't ready. We assured him that no one was going to make him come home before he was ready & that would be a team decision - his doctor, therapist, Mommy, Daddy & him.  It was not a pleasant conversation, but I took it as progress that he was open with us and that he realizes that he is not ready.

Today I am hopeful.  I saw God provide us a nice place to stay & take perfect care of my oldest son & intervention for my Daddy.  While it is still raining where my RAD child is concerned - today the sun is shining through the clouds.

For a family - together is the nicest place to be & one day my family will have that again.

Dancing in Hope,

Amy

The Perfect Mom

(Cue soft classical music please)
Growing up all I ever wanted to be was a teacher and a mommy, but mostly a mommy.  My sister and I spent countless hours sketching the design of our houses and talking about what life would be like when we were mothers.  We were going to be the best mothers out there.  Kids in the neighborhood would always be at our house, because that’s where everyone wanted to be.  Our children would be well mannered, secure and at the top of their class.  They would be soooo happy that we were their mothers......nobody can be perfect, but we knew in our hearts - we'd come pretty close.

(This is where the record player screeches to a halt)

Funny how life turns out.  I am not a perfect mother and struggle constantly with feelings of inadequacy.  There was a time in my life, when my oldest two were very young, that I was well known and very respected in the homeschool community.  I believe I gave the image of "having it together" that so many of us want to have. 

Enter RAD child.  Wow - how this child has rocked my world.  Gone is any image of having it together - fact of the matter is - I do not even care about the image any longer - I just desperately long to be what I am not.  Our family therapist has suggested the book to me "The Good Enough Mom" time and time again.  I can't get past the title....yeah that's what I want to be "good enough"  Maybe my epitaph one day will read "Loving wife, good enough mom".  Yeah -- that's what I want.  I don't want to be adequate - I want to be great! ( I know - I should read the book - maybe one day - but today is not that day)

But – “great” is what I constantly feel that I am not.  I allow Satan to place thoughts in my head like "What kind of mother cannot keep her family together?"  "What kind of mother let's her child go into foster care and can't find an alternative to keep her family safe?"  "What kind of mother allows her kids to go through such trauma?"  "What kind of mother has to work so hard at getting her child to attach?"  Many of you - your heart is crying right now because you can relate all too well to the questions.

I want to ask you this today - "Do you love your children?, Would you do anything for them?"  Then if you too struggle with the above questions (or similar ones) call them what they are - Satan's lies.  You are a great mom.  If you are like me - you accomplish things you do not even give yourself credit for because your family does not run like the Andy Griffith Show.  Try to remember - that’s because we don't live in Mayberry.  Our life is not black and white - it's in full "Technicolor".  For those of you who struggle because your child is in residential or your family is separated for some other reason beyond your control and you start feeling like "What kind of  mom can't keep her family together?" - ask yourself if the women of the holocaust were bad mommies.  Of course they weren't - -- circumstances were out of their control.  Sometimes circumstances are out of your control too.

My two oldest children do something that is a balm to my hurting heart.  A few years ago we did a study on Proverbs 31 ( the perfect women).  One of the verses says that “her children will rise up and call her blessed.”  We talked about what that meant.  My 2 wonderful, sensitive, incredible children will sometimes - when they see me having a bad day - come over and whisper in my ear - or hug me and say really loud "Blessed, blessed - blessed"  Makes me tear up just thinking about it.  (Just one of the many items that I stick in the pockets of my heart to pull out on bad days.)

I shared all this because I know I am not the only one that struggles with this - I bet all trauma mamas do ( at least to one extent or another).  And many moms that are not trauma mamas.  It's in our nature, we love those kiddos, so we so desperately want to be what we cannot be.  But we can point them to the One who is.  After all - isn't that what it's all about "Love God and love your neighbor as yourself"  If we were perfect - they really wouldn't look beyond us to Him.  Through our imperfection we can point  them to the perfect One.  And that my friends is what makes each of you an incredible mom - your love for your children - your desire to be better - and your desire for your children to know the loving God.  You deserve to be called “blessed” by your children – and one day you will be.  You may not be the “perfect mom” – but “your price is far above rubies” because you are an incredible mom – whether you feel like you are or not.

Dancing in imperfection ( and trying to be okay with it),

Amy

Wind's a Changing!

Wow - you guys must be praying for my family - Thank you.  The last 24 hours have been bright.

We took my son back to the ER yesterday because of his pain level.  They did some more tests and came back alternating the word tumor and the word cyst.  I said "Which is it - a tumor or a cyst?"  The doctor said "a cyst is a tumor"  "Maybe technically - but not in my world -- tumor implies cancer."   He studied me for a couple of seconds then said "This type of tumor is rarely malignant - the chances are miniscule."  Relief flooded my soul.  He then told me to follow up with the specialist.  I explained our dilemma with both the insurance and trying to actually speak to a person at the doctor’s office - "I would like a follow-up scheduled through the ER please"  He urged me just to go home and call until finally I said "I'm not leaving without follow-up care, even without cancer - my son is in a lot of pain" (I don't think he liked me much - I made him explain things to me that he just wanted to rattle off.  That's what happens when you have another child with a lifelong disease -- you learn to expect understandable answers to your questions especially when you are accustomed to the wonderful pulmonologist my son has – she treats a parent with respect and doesn’t try to talk over our heads.)  We were told the doctor was in surgery and would have to wait maybe a couple of hours." I told him that was fine.  Much later a resident came in to talk to me (I guess doc didn't want me asking more questions J) and told me they had spoken to the surgeon and one of his residents would be calling me tomorrow as the clinic was already closed... and so we left.   But left with the knowledge that my baby doesn't have cancer!!!!!

Another amazing thing has happened to us.  Some friends of ours here in Arkansas, Amanda & Gabe, have offered to let us use their upstairs for the remainder of our stay.  What an incredible gift - I was so overwhelmed when the offer was made and now my heart is just filled with gratitude.  Paying the hotel bill while we have been here is like paying two mortgages for us (we still have to pay our mortgage back home)- it's been difficult to say the least (but isn't that the kind of thing we all are willing to do for our kids) - this will ease such a burden - I can't even begin to tell you.

And to add to everything else, my best friend Kellie called me yesterday to say she and her daughter were coming up to Arkansas to visit us - they will be here tonight -- I AM SO EXCITED!  So is my daughter.

I’m allowed to call my son tonight in residential – I’m hoping things are going as well in that part of our lives too.

So the wind is definitely blowing in a different direction - I'm not as tired today.  The storm is turning  from a chilling one to a warm summer rain.

Dancing happily,

Amy

Able & Willing

Sixteen years ago we were living in Japan.  This was a wonderful chapter in my life.  We had a great military church & things just seemed to be going our way.  The only thing we lacked was a child.  How I yearned for a little one to hold, but month after month was brought to tears.

We put ourselves on the adoption list & were very hopeful - every time we went to the orphanage with the church all I could imagine was taking one of those little ones home.  But it was not to be.  In September of 1995 my husband was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor - our world crashed.  All I remember of that doctors visit is the x-ray and the doctor saying "see this right here - it's not supposed to be there"  He said many other things - but I really can't tell you what they were - I just sat there - thinking over and over "Oh my God - my husband has cancer."  Then the final words that doctor said "Do you have a will?"  We were sent from the doctor’s office to the legal office on base to make my husbands will.  I was so scared and sad.  Our friends Carol & Tim accompanied us to the legal office (wonderful people - if you know them, then you have been blessed.).  I remember commenting to Carol what a pretty day it was - it wasn't right for it to be so pretty - when I was so gloomy, if God cared it would be a gloomy day.  We all went into the legal office and Dan and Tim went back to do Dan's will - I didn't want to go back, Carol sat and held my hand in the waiting room.  When we walked outside it was the most gloomy depressing day you ever saw - overcast & yucky!  I looked at Carol and said "I feel better".  It didn't last but a few minutes, but I still believe God sent me that yuckiness to know He cared.

Many other things happened - but I want to get to the point of today's blog - so just know-- I'm skipping a lot.  I was so distraught - I needed assurance that Dan would be okay.  So I did something daring ( at least for the Baptist that I am).  I prayed for a sign.  I told God I needed assurance that Dan would be with me so I asked for the only thing I could think of that I wouldn't reason away.   I asked to get pregnant.  I told no one - just hoped and prayed.  In October I felt as if my life were over when my menstrual cycle came.  I couldn't quit crying.  Finally Dan got it out of me & he said "Amy - we are Baptist - we do not pray for signs, we just trust God -- it doesn't mean anything"  But God knew my heart.  He knew that I wasn't asking if He was God or if He was powerful -- I knew He was God and I knew He was ALL powerful - I just wanted to know that my husband was not going to die.

Dan had his surgery in November at Balboa Naval Medical Center.  It was a 22 hour surgery (Dan's an overachiever -- no regular run of the mill brain tumor for him J).  I was allowed to see him at the 36 hour mark.  They prepared me - "Your husband does not look like your husband - there is a lot of swelling"  They were right - He had (I think) 5 arterial lines and a blood drainage tube coming out of his very bandaged head.  What I saw should have terrified me - but when I laid eyes on Dan a peace that I cannot explain washed over me and all I could think was "I'm pregnant & you are going to be okay"  I was not late yet - so there was no "indicator" of pregnancy - just God speaking to my heart.  It was true - I was pregnant with my beautiful baby girl.  Today that baby turns 15.  She has been such a shining light in my life and an ever present reminder of God's unending love.

I want to encourage you today with this "God is able & God is willing.  He wants to be there for you.  Let Him -- you'll be so glad you did.

Dancing in God's love,

Amy

Tough Love

Yesterday was bittersweet.  We had a great family day minus one.  My son continues to struggle in the residential environment.  I don't know if he is testing limits or sabotaging himself because of anxiety but he tends to act out right before a pass and then doesn't get one.  My husband told him a couple weeks ago that the family will be doing fun things on Saturdays, if he would like to see us he needs to get a pass - we will not go in the middle of the afternoon to the hospital.  He will see us later in the week for family therapy if he doesn't get a pass.  He told him "We have moved the whole family up to Arkansas for the summer - your siblings gave up their camps and summer plans to be here with you - we have done our part --you need to do yours.  Behave and get a pass."  I know it seems harsh not visiting on Saturdays - but we are trying to get him to work at being part of the family - just like we are working for him to be part of it.  But it is extremely hard for me -- tough love - I would so much rather hugs and kisses -- but this is what must be done to get to the hugs and kisses....sigh.

So yesterday we were minus one in our family adventure & when I called later he was not on the unit so I didn't get to speak to him - I just left a message.  Tuesday is my oldest girls birthday - we are hoping he will earn a pass - family days are important and they are hard when everyone is not present.  But it is my job to see that she has a wonderful birthday - with or without all present -- And that is exactly what I plan to do.

We took the kids to see a waterfall yesterday -- again quite a feat for Florida children!  I loved watching them play in the falls!  They were having a blast.  It was quite a hike getting there - not an easy climb - the brochure listed it as strenuous - and it was.  It was so worth the climb though -- all agreed.  I think it was the perfect illustration of our life right now - we are doing the strenuous climbing - but eventually we will get to our destination and be so happy we made the climb! 

I watched the beauty of the falls and all the wonderful scenery around and it gave my heart hope - surely the Creator of all this beauty is capable of creating a beautiful outcome in our lives.

Keep on climbing till you reach your destination - the beauty of it all will overtake you!

Dancing in the Falls,

Amy