Wednesday we were scheduled for court at 3:30 - our case was called little after 5. I am so thankful for the judge that has been following our case - many judges would have called it a day and rescheduled court for those remaining - he stayed hours after our case was already heard to make sure everyone who was on the docket was heard.
It has been a long journey to get to where we are now. I look back at the last few years of my life and honestly it's like a movie -- surely that woman cannot be me - and yet she is. I have come from a timid person who tries to please everyone to a person who will scratch, claw and fight anyone for the sake of my children. I have become a mama bear. I have cried out to God on many occasions telling Him that it was too much - I can't be asked to give my child up to keep my family together - it is more than I can bear...God would lovingly remind me of a verse or send someone to help strengthen me.
The day that the decision was made and we signed the paperwork placing my child into state custody was the worse day of my life. I literally felt like I was going to die - I cannot even begin to describe to you the immeasurable sadness, inadequacy, loss and fear that I felt. Yes we were assured by the state and everyone else that after he had gone through treatment we could have him back -- all we had to do was say we want him at any point - (which by the way - it was not that easy) -we knew this is what they were saying - but once the papers were signed - we had no control. But in the end - what choice did we really have -- my child needed serious help that he could not get any other way - so I did the hardest thing any mother could ever be asked to do - I gave the state control over my child.
During the last 11 months I have monitored his medical and mental health outside of my home. I have kept track of medications - picked him up and took him to doctor visits - comforted him over the phone - fought with every state agency I think there is (I think they all now dread the name Amy Pacheco - she's high maintenance) prayed endlessly, moved my whole family out of state so we could be near his hospital, did all the "normal" parenting things with my other kids and discovered who I am in the process.
I have found out that I have many faults – but I have many strengths. There are those that simply do not care about my family that in the past I desperately wanted them to love us – now I have found others who love us for who we are and hardly give a thought to those other people any more. I have found both friends and professionals that I & my family can count on – I have found people that I want to be part of their lives and I want them to be able to say of me “ she is someone I can count on”
Wednesday reunification was granted and my son moved back into my house - my heart is full. He is merging back in so nicely ….but that’s another blog….
Dancing in a full house,