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Life is an adventure. Sometimes I yearn for boredom, yet it never comes. This is an account of my struggles & triumphs- my struggle to know God & understand the "why" behind it all. "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain" This is just me - learning to dance - sometimes gracefully, but most the time - stepping on my 2 left feet..

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Able & Willing

Sixteen years ago we were living in Japan.  This was a wonderful chapter in my life.  We had a great military church & things just seemed to be going our way.  The only thing we lacked was a child.  How I yearned for a little one to hold, but month after month was brought to tears.

We put ourselves on the adoption list & were very hopeful - every time we went to the orphanage with the church all I could imagine was taking one of those little ones home.  But it was not to be.  In September of 1995 my husband was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor - our world crashed.  All I remember of that doctors visit is the x-ray and the doctor saying "see this right here - it's not supposed to be there"  He said many other things - but I really can't tell you what they were - I just sat there - thinking over and over "Oh my God - my husband has cancer."  Then the final words that doctor said "Do you have a will?"  We were sent from the doctor’s office to the legal office on base to make my husbands will.  I was so scared and sad.  Our friends Carol & Tim accompanied us to the legal office (wonderful people - if you know them, then you have been blessed.).  I remember commenting to Carol what a pretty day it was - it wasn't right for it to be so pretty - when I was so gloomy, if God cared it would be a gloomy day.  We all went into the legal office and Dan and Tim went back to do Dan's will - I didn't want to go back, Carol sat and held my hand in the waiting room.  When we walked outside it was the most gloomy depressing day you ever saw - overcast & yucky!  I looked at Carol and said "I feel better".  It didn't last but a few minutes, but I still believe God sent me that yuckiness to know He cared.

Many other things happened - but I want to get to the point of today's blog - so just know-- I'm skipping a lot.  I was so distraught - I needed assurance that Dan would be okay.  So I did something daring ( at least for the Baptist that I am).  I prayed for a sign.  I told God I needed assurance that Dan would be with me so I asked for the only thing I could think of that I wouldn't reason away.   I asked to get pregnant.  I told no one - just hoped and prayed.  In October I felt as if my life were over when my menstrual cycle came.  I couldn't quit crying.  Finally Dan got it out of me & he said "Amy - we are Baptist - we do not pray for signs, we just trust God -- it doesn't mean anything"  But God knew my heart.  He knew that I wasn't asking if He was God or if He was powerful -- I knew He was God and I knew He was ALL powerful - I just wanted to know that my husband was not going to die.

Dan had his surgery in November at Balboa Naval Medical Center.  It was a 22 hour surgery (Dan's an overachiever -- no regular run of the mill brain tumor for him J).  I was allowed to see him at the 36 hour mark.  They prepared me - "Your husband does not look like your husband - there is a lot of swelling"  They were right - He had (I think) 5 arterial lines and a blood drainage tube coming out of his very bandaged head.  What I saw should have terrified me - but when I laid eyes on Dan a peace that I cannot explain washed over me and all I could think was "I'm pregnant & you are going to be okay"  I was not late yet - so there was no "indicator" of pregnancy - just God speaking to my heart.  It was true - I was pregnant with my beautiful baby girl.  Today that baby turns 15.  She has been such a shining light in my life and an ever present reminder of God's unending love.

I want to encourage you today with this "God is able & God is willing.  He wants to be there for you.  Let Him -- you'll be so glad you did.

Dancing in God's love,



  1. That is an awesome story! If Baptists can't be honest with God and ask him for the desires of their hearts, then maybe they need to spend more time in scripture. This Baptist knows that we sometimes need to put the fleece out, and that HE knows we are weak vessels made of clay. See, he gives us what we need at the exact time we need it ;)

  2. this is a wonderful story of love and hope