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Life is an adventure. Sometimes I yearn for boredom, yet it never comes. This is an account of my struggles & triumphs- my struggle to know God & understand the "why" behind it all. "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain" This is just me - learning to dance - sometimes gracefully, but most the time - stepping on my 2 left feet..

Tuesday, April 19, 2011


Today started  off with a migraine.  What a wonderful way to start the day!  I took my medication at 5:30 and by 9 I was functional.  School was in full swing by 9:30 much to my children's disappointment.

My youngest son is mentally ill.  This has been such a storm in my life.  I have learned so much about people through their reaction to him.  More than I ever really wanted to know.  I have learned that fear & prejudice is well and alive amongst Christians.  We have been asked to leave co-ops, excluded from social events and friendship all because of fear.  Funny these same people claimed to be my friends before they knew about his illness, not so much now.

My son is currently in an out-of-state hospital working on his mental issues.  The struggles we faced getting him there is a whole nightmare in itself...I'll save that for another day.  Last night I received his preliminary report of his MRI.  He is having seizure activity.  For most parents this would be horrifying, for me it brings hope.  It is my understanding that there are rare cases when a person is having a seizure he does not convulse, instead it manifest itself in hallucination form.  To think all these years struggling with hallucinations and it may be seizures.  If it is - then anti-seizure medication could take care of the problem.  I'm being told not to get my hopes up - seizures may be a complication of - not a cause.  Too late -- my hopes are higher than the eagle flies - to give him (and my other children) a normal life -- it is what I have been hoping for these past 6 years.  To tell a mother not to hope is like telling a bird not to sing - it can not be done.  I will always search for and grab at that needle in the haystack - who knows, the right needle may sew up our broken hearts.

I have some renewed faith in my Christian friends also.  We have been asked to join a co-op next school year.  When I received the invitation I contacted the board and asked if "all" my children were invited.  The answer was "homeschooling is about grace and acceptance - if we can come alongside of you and help carry your burden we will"  Wow!  after being shunned for so long, those words made me cry.  I let them know that my 2 older children will be doing all high school classes next year - so it would only be my younger two - still we are wanted.  They know of his mental illness and are not standing in fear, but in grace - my heart overflows with happiness & gratitude.

Please do not misunderstand - I do have a couple of friends that accept my son -- but many, many more that want to pretend he doesn't exist.  The number of conversations that I have been told to "give him back to the state" are far more than the number of "we love yous" I have received.  Thankfully each "we love you" weighs so much more than 10 "send him backs".  I am learning to answer gracefully "He is my son and will remain my son",  instead of bursting into tears.  I want so badly for others to accept him instead of rejecting him and my other children.  But this is their decision, not mine.  Currently I am finding those who possess acceptance.

So all in all - a good week.  I have hope for my son's condition improving and hope in my fellow Christians -  today I dance in a warm summer rain, and can see the rainbows on the horizon.

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