Discipline That Works

Let me start by saying that I do not have a laid back child in the bunch.  All of my children would be considered "strong willed".  That's not to say they are bad - many people use the word "strong- willed" as a way of saying "I just don't want to discipline - they behave the way they do because they are strong willed".  There is a big difference between a strong-willed child and an undisciplined child.  In the case of my children - I questioned for a long time "why couldn't I have one laid back child - I don't understand why they are ALL strong willed"  Well I do now.  God gave them a will of iron because they were going to need it.  Living with a mentally ill person is hard, loving them can even be harder.  I am extremely proud of my children.  Their brother has literally made our life into a nightmare, and yet; they pray for him, love him & anticipate the day he comes home.  This is made possible by a "strong will".  A will that says I will love you because you are my family no matter what.  I now thank God that He did give them such strong wills - it has helped them through some really tough times.

The secret to disciplining a strong willed child is simple.  I have heard countless times "break the will without breaking the Spirit of the child".  This cannot be done.  For a strong willed child, their will is part of their spirit.  You'll just frustrate yourself and them in the process if this is what you set out to do.  What you must do is change their will.  God gave your child a gift, his will - why would you try to take that away?  Instead shape it into what it ought to be.  Making a strong willed child obey you is nearly impossible unless they want to -- make them want to even when they would rather do something else.

In my home we use what we call "the chip system".  This has been extremely effective for us.  I will tell you up front that it takes a ton of consistency and can be a major pain at times, but the results are beautiful.  I would rather deal with the annoyance of the chip then deal with the behaviors that come when we do not use the chip system.

Here is how it works:

We have an "If  - Then" chart.  The "If" column list a variety of behaviors; unkind words, lies, rudeness, yelling, etc  In the middle column we have a Bible verse written to go with that behavior.   In the "then" column are the consequences, "2 chips"  Sometimes "2 chips plus time out"  (when my children go in time out - I tell them they need to examine the attitude of their heart - they are not allowed out until they can tell me what their hearts attitude was, why that attitude was wrong and what it is now "my heart had an attitude of unkindness, this was wrong because Jesus tells us to be kind to one another - I would now like to make someone smile instead of hurt them with my words".)  Stealing would be another exception it states "5 chips plus double restitution"  If someone in my house were caught stealing they would have to pay back double what they stole from the person.  So for instance if they took a bottle of fingernail polish with out asking (if you do not have permission to have something that is not yours- it's stealing) they would have to give back the original bottle plus one of their own.

We also have a "Blessings Chart".  This chart list a good behavior (taking initiative) then a Bible verse, then in the last column a number of chips the child will receive.  If you wish to shape your child's will - it is extremely important that you "catch them being good"  Be generous rewarding good behaviors - children thrive on praise.

The charts are very important - they help with consistency.

We then on Fridays have a chip store.  This store consist of index cards that have privileges written on them "stay up an hour late one night"  "stay up an hour late every night this week"  "wii time" (you get the picture)  I also have things in there that I have bought on clearance.  The children really look forward to Fridays.  When my son comes home from the hospital we will do the store more often.  Our behaviorist has suggested that because of the mental illness & RAD - a week is probably too long for him.  You will have to adjust your system to what fits your family, but do not go out longer than a week - keep the rewards of good behavior in the front of your children minds.

This is a very simple system - but it works.  The children can see fairness in the system because the consequences remain the same.  The best thing about this system is I no longer feel the need to "yell".  If two children are arguing I simply say - "what does the Bible say about unkind words" wait for a reply then say "get me 2 chips please then you can figure out how to handle your dispute correctly".

Dancing....

Beacon of Hope

Today the sun was shinning.  What a beautiful Florida day!  The weather seemed to be perfect and the tempature of my heart was warm.  The day started with our small co-op.  While my best friend taught the big kids I was doing a review game for Florida History with the little ones.  We had an Easter Egg hunt - the eggs had questions and candy - if the child could answer the question they were allowed to keep the egg - if not it went back in the basket to be redrawn later in the game until all the eggs were gone -- the kids loved it and we went over a ton of questions.   After usually the big kids have science co-op; but today science was cancelled so we went to Chick fila instead.  The intention was just to stay for lunch - 2 hours later we were  still laughing and carrying on - lunch with 2 friends - always a big treat!   Off to park day - I had a meeting for next years co-op and the kids were going to play.  My daughters talked me into taking my best friends daughters with us - I absolutely love the fact that my daughters best friends are my best friends daughters -- makes life so easy.

Many of the women in this group are new to me.  I'm probably more open than I should be not really knowing them yet - but if my family is to be shunned I'd rather it happen before I consider them good friends and not after.  Funny, it didn't happen - just the opposite, I found acceptance in a group of women that were like me.  Maybe there is hope to have a "group" of friends again.  I talked about the drive home from Arkansas and one of the women asked me why I had been there.  I told her my son was in the hospital and she asked why.  I took a deep breath and said - "he's there for mental issues".  No one flinched.  She said "Oh, you know I was hospitalized for 3 months as a teenager"  she went on to tell me of her struggle with acute care facilities and then residential as a teen -- but most importantly -- how it helped her.  She was my beacon of hope.  She has a family, is a homeschool mom just like me, raising her family in the faith.  There is hope for my child.  I could see it in this womans life.  She spoke of some really deep issues that she went through & said when she was finally ready to face her trauma - progress went a lot quicker.  All the women sat there, engaged in conversation - no one flinching.  I like this this group.  I want to be a part of them and they seem willing to let me be.  It's been a while since I "wanted" to be part of a group - once bitten twice shy.  But I think we could belong here.  I have one really good friend in this group who has been trying to get me to come for a while - should have listened sooner.

We then went to the meeting for co-op for next year - basic business stuff - what's to be taught, who's teaching what, etc...  Funny it didn't really matter to me what was being taught - my children will be part of this group next year because of the acceptance they will receive; we will not be asked to leave  because my son faces challenges in his life...

Today I dance with the sun on my face.

Tornadoes of the Heart

Sirens were screaming all over the base & then a voice over the base PA tells us to seek shelter; a tornado is in the area.  Supper is over in an instant as my husband, I, 3 children and many base personnel  head for the stairwell.  There we sat with the emergency lights flickering, the wind whipping loudly outside and a draft getting through the heavy metal door.  I positioned my children under the metal staircase and with a calm demeanor tell them there is absolutely nothing to worry about; everything is fine; it’ll all be over in a moment.  That was my outside – my inside was praying.  I’ve never been in a tornado – earthquakes and hurricanes, but never in the middle of a tornado.  The tornado touched down less than ¼ mile away.  Later we would find out that many homes on the base were lost, outside the base is no better.  This tornado had a 3 mile radius and it was angry.  When the voice on the PA told us it was over, we went back upstairs to our room with thankful hearts – initially anyway.  The power was out.  The children were not thrilled about going to bed at 8:30 in the pitch dark (clouds were still blocking the moon and stars) no candles or flashlights – we are in a hotel.

Earlier I had to deal with the tornado in my heart.  We had a family therapy session with my son and things are not progressing well.  The therapist tells us he is being rude, instigating peers, very manipulative & seeking attention constantly – welcome to my world.   I ask about the MRI – did the results show that the seizures are causing the hallucinations.  The doctor still has not received the final written report, he doesn’t know what hemisphere of the brain the seizures are occurring – really, how long does it take to get a report???  She tells us it means little to his therapy.  This may take care of the hallucinations – but it will do nothing for his RAD (reactive attachment disorder.)  Really I already knew this, but I’m hoping without the hallucinations to fuel the fire, the RAD can be dealt with.  She states that he is unwilling to deal with his trauma – who wouldn’t be?  Rad kids are not born RAD – they are made.  He has been through multiple homes before coming to us at the age of 6.  He suffered a lot of neglect and abuse within his biological family.  The records we received last year about his past make me cry every time I have to go through them for something – why would anyone want to bring all this stuff back up – but he must – it is his storm that he must learn to dance in, so that one day he can dance in the sunshine. 

She talks about his IQ test and tells us why it is correct.  She gives us a copy of the original evaluation.  Being a teacher I know its right when I read everything – but my heart screams NO!  He has so much stacked against him – this is just one more reason to be shunned by my fellow Christians.  It’s funny, for a group of people against euthanasia – they sure would be happy if he disappeared.  Fear breeds hatred – many say they are “protecting their children against his influence” They convince themselves they are being “good parents” by rejecting one of God’s creation.  How is this “little child “to come to Christ if we never show Christ to him?  Anyway – enough of my soap box --- the therapist explains that he saw a lot of violence in his imprinting years, this is hard for a regular RAD kid to overcome, but one with such a low IQ may not ever overcome his aggression. – The storm begins to pour – I have to hold onto that I was also told he would probably never attach to me – now he has attached to the family.  God can do what God wants to do, despite what man may say.

8 more hours of traveling today…..

My heart is so heavy today with the drenching rains pouring down.   I am grasping for the silver lining I cannot see.  My dance is that of a twirling top -- but I guess it is still a dance.

Easter

Easter is one of my favorite holidays.  Only Christmas is more fun.  It is chocked full of tradition, family, and religious significance.  I love getting ready for Easter!  I am by nature a gift giver – it is by far one of my favorite things to do.  I love shopping for weeks on end looking for just the right item that will bring a smile to those that I love.  It is very hard for me not to “overdo” in this area – but it is soooo much fun!  This year I felt very successful.

Friday I gave my mom her basket; she loved it! She was so cute – she actually clapped her hands.  She looked at each item and the joy it brought her, gave me so much happiness. She kept saying, “You didn’t have to do this – but I’m so glad you did”   My dad was cute too – he collects lighters shaped like different items and I had a motorcycle in there for him – he was so impressed with it.  I wish I could make them that happy all the time.  An Easter basket is such a small thing to bring such joy.

After dinner –“Daddy” told the Easter story to the kids, stressing the reason for Christ’s death and resurrection.  It amazes me how much the kids know of the details of the story – they pay such close attention.  This to brings me a lot of happiness.  My relationship with Christ is very important to me & I love to see my children growing in this area.

Then it was Easter basket time.  Again I felt very successful.  The kids really liked what was in their baskets and most of it was “surprise” items.  Even my husband was delighted with his little trinkets. (This was a little harder to do – it’s very difficult to buy for him because there are few things he wants – but I found them).  My oldest child’s “love Language” (Gary Smalley) is gift – giving.  So it’s really fun to watch her, she knows that Mommy plans the baskets for weeks and her expression as she’s looking at her treasures  is priceless.

My youngest daughter surprised me this year – she also had made a basket for Mommy & Daddy.  (When your children are homeschooled they don’t usually make all the gifts they do in school for mommy (it would just feel weird to say “let’s make me a mother’s day present).  It was so sweet.  She had drawn my favorite animals and colored various pictures.  She said, “I know how much you like artwork on the frig Mommy”  She had put so much thought into “which” pictures to give me – items that I will treasure forever.

The best part of Easter this year was our family being together.  Well worth the 16 hour trip.  Because of being on base, I have a full kitchen and dining room table.  I was able to make Easter dinner and we were able to sit at a table (not hotel beds, or a restaurant table) and eat it – as a family.  My youngest son did earn his pass after all and it made everyone very happy.  It seemed to be a “normal Easter” – at least as normal as possible

This was my day.  It probably was nothing special to anyone else, but to me – a wonderful memory that I will stick in the pocket of my heart – to pull out on days that are not quite so good.

Today, I danced for joy.

Traveling

(Saturday)

The day began with no one wanting to get out of bed!  We stopped at the hotel at 2am last night and my little troopers were more than a little tired at 6am – but we needed to get to the hospital.  We had a therapy appointment with my youngest son at noon.  So off we went – tired or not.

Traveling was not a nice experience – my youngest had car sickness and the Dramamine did not work!  My poor baby,   she had us pull over the car several times so she could throw up.  Nothing helped; we tried medicine, flat warm ginger ale, peppermint – all in vain.  She was quite the little trooper though – hardly any whining at all and I know she was miserable.  Her whole face was pale – I would ask her if she was okay and she would say –“I’ll be okay Mommy, we need to get to the hospital”.

We did not make the 12:00 therapy appointment.  Stopping all those times put us very late, but the therapist was very nice – she had waited for us.  Our therapy session was very frustrating.  My son is being more than a little obstinate.  He has had quite a week.  They had given him medication to “calm him down” 7 times this week.  He was rude to the nurses and instigating his peers.  He  is supposed to get a pass from 1pm to 7pm tomorrow – he may or may not get that pass depending on how his behavior is tonight and in the morning.  I told him “Really ______,   the other kids have been in that van for 16 hours – your sister throwing up all day – just to come spend Easter with you.  They are very excited that we are going to do fun Easter things as a family – they did their part – it wasn’t a fun trip... Why are you not doing your part?  Why are you not behaving?   Your actions affect more people than just you….if you don’t get a pass then everyone spends Easter at the hospital – how do you think that is going to make everyone feel?”  He said “okay – I’ll try Mommy” I told him “there is no try – there is do or do not” (got to love Yoda wisdom).

My husband asked him why he was behaving that way – at home we do not give him medicine “to calm him down”.  Why is he acting that way now?  We put him in the hospital because of his hallucinations and because he was not using his safety plan with the hallucinations – not because he didn’t know how to behave.  (Not that he doesn’t have any behavior problems – he does – abandonment and abuse will do that to a child – but he doesn’t have the kind of behavior issues the nurses are talking about)  My son told my husband, it’s because the way the other kids are acting.  I’m not sure if the therapist approved of our answer.  We talked about Jimmy having Jesus living in him to help him...  he’s a Christian and needs to ask Jesus to help him when he feels like acting out.  Then my husband said what else is on your safety plan.  He said “I’m not allowed to listen to the radio” --- “Okay, but what is on your plan that you can do?”  “Pray, draw, read & talk to an adult” – “Okay, so those are the things we expect you to do”

I got his IQ results today – what a bunch of hooey that is!  Anyone that can master manipulate the way he does – cannot possibly have an IQ as low as they said.  The nurse even told me “now before I tell you the score – just know that everyone here knows that it’s wrong – there is no way!”

We gave him a hug and told him to be good – we’ll see you tomorrow.  I hope he behaves and doesn’t decide to test whether or not they are telling the truth about taking his pass.

We then came to the hotel room.  All I can say is WOW!  I’m so glad we are staying the TLF on base!  The kids have their own room and I have a full kitchen, washer and dryer... God is so good!  Tomorrow I will fix Easter lunch – just like if we were all at home together.  Then we will probably go to the park on base.

The kids all asked “if” he gets a pass tomorrow.  We explained that if he doesn’t just remember what is important is that we are all together as a family – where we are at is just the details.  If it rains – that’s our silver lining.

Dancing….

Letters to Heaven

(Friday)

Why do things never seem to go the way I plan them?  I had such plans for today.  As I said yesterday, my youngest is really having a hard time with my grandmother’s death, so there are a few different things we are doing to help her work through her grief.  Today we visited Maw‘s grave, My daughter had written a letter to Maw and she wanted to “send it to heaven” via helium balloons.  So we attached her letter to 4 red balloons and went to the cemetery.  She laid her flowers on the grave and said “Okay Mommy – I’m ready for my letter” I told her we needed to step into the clearing away from the trees and she said “Okay –but I want to hold the balloons” I handed the balloons over telling her to be careful as we watched them slip through her fingers and fly up, up, up.  I watched the balloons weave in and out of the branches – praying that it would make it all the way through – they did not.  On one of the top branches of the old oak the string from the balloon became entangled on some moss.  My daughter immediately burst into tears – she was inconsolable – her letter was not going to make it to heaven.  Not knowing what else to do I told her it would be all right and begin to scale the large oak wishing I’d worn sneakers instead of flats.  As I climbed higher I began to pray that I would not fall and give my child an even worse trauma.  I could not reach the balloons.  So here I was – high up in a tree, dangling over tombstones, watching my daughter be heart broken and knowing I couldn’t do anything about it.  So I climbed down – totally ruining my shoes in the process – but I wasn’t finished – she was still crying.  I went to the van to find something heavy enough to throw; the only thing I could find was a plastic bottle of OJ.  So there we were my daughter and me – throwing a bottle up into the sky and missing every time – I just kept thinking “Why did I not pay closer attention in gym class – maybe I’d know how to throw a ball. I did this until my shoulder ached and my little girl finally said “its okay Mommy” She cried all the way home “My letter will not get to Maw” I tried consoling her “You know honey, mommy is very weak and not perfect – but I know someone who has all the power.  Remember how Jesus calmed the storm when Peter was on the water – He controls the wind baby – I’m sure He’ll make a big gust and take that balloon right up to heaven.  That seemed to help a little – but I had to promise that we would go back to the cemetery after our trip to see her brother and see if the balloons were gone..

We did talk about the prayer journal today and she is really excited to be keeping her own journal like Mommy and Maw.

We have been in the car now for 6 hours – only 10 more to go until we see her brother.  She has suffered so much loss this year and all I want to do is ease the pain, but I’m finding that in this too I must rely on God.  I seem to be powerless in all areas of my life – but this I will do, I will teach her how to dance – no matter the storm.

Today I dance – clumsily – but none the less I dance – and I have the cutest little partner.

Prayer

Prayer is a funny thing.  It's been my experience that it is something you have to really discipline yourself to do, even though you know it has amazing results.  Prayer has the power to change your situation or sometimes your attitude about the situation.  Either way - it makes it better.  So why then do we have to "make" ourselves do it?  By not praying we are purposely sabotaging ourselves.
Recently I have had so many answers to prayers.  I am totally undeserving because if someone talked to me for a few moments each morning and then expected me to do "everything" for them - not sure I'd follow through and yet somehow God always does.  I'm finding lately that above all when I pray, God is giving me such a peace that everything is going to be okay.  I love the picture of the man in the lighthouse in Boston harbour with waves crashing all about him.  He's so calm.  That is such a good picture of my life. (one day I'm going to buy that picture)  Furious waves are all about him -- but as long as he stays within the walls of the lighthouse -- he's fine.  I'm learning to stay in the lighthouse rather than getting in my boat and trying to go to a new destination.
I'm amazed that after 6 years of prayer we may have an answer to my youngest son's illness - but even if we do not; it doesn't affect the strength of the lighthouse - just the height of the waves.
My grandmother died on this past Christmas Eve.  My youngest daughter in particular is still having a very hard time dealing with her death - today I will pass on my grandmothers legacy to her.  "Maw" prayed for each of her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren daily by name.  We all knew this - it always brought me great comfort to know I was being prayed for daily.  Today I will give that to my 7 year old.  She misses her so much - we are going to carry on her tradition.  I bought a new prayer journal for myself a few days ago and she commented how pretty it was.  Today we will talk about Maw's commitment to prayer and how much that meant to her and myself.  Today my little girl will be given that little book she so admired as a remembrance of Maw and we will talk about carrying on the tradition.  I will teach her how to use it.  Today a new prayer warrior will be born for heaven's kingdom.  I'm going to give her the best gift I know -- the peace that comes through prayer.

HOPE

Today started  off with a migraine.  What a wonderful way to start the day!  I took my medication at 5:30 and by 9 I was functional.  School was in full swing by 9:30 much to my children's disappointment.

My youngest son is mentally ill.  This has been such a storm in my life.  I have learned so much about people through their reaction to him.  More than I ever really wanted to know.  I have learned that fear & prejudice is well and alive amongst Christians.  We have been asked to leave co-ops, excluded from social events and friendship all because of fear.  Funny these same people claimed to be my friends before they knew about his illness, not so much now.

My son is currently in an out-of-state hospital working on his mental issues.  The struggles we faced getting him there is a whole nightmare in itself...I'll save that for another day.  Last night I received his preliminary report of his MRI.  He is having seizure activity.  For most parents this would be horrifying, for me it brings hope.  It is my understanding that there are rare cases when a person is having a seizure he does not convulse, instead it manifest itself in hallucination form.  To think all these years struggling with hallucinations and it may be seizures.  If it is - then anti-seizure medication could take care of the problem.  I'm being told not to get my hopes up - seizures may be a complication of - not a cause.  Too late -- my hopes are higher than the eagle flies - to give him (and my other children) a normal life -- it is what I have been hoping for these past 6 years.  To tell a mother not to hope is like telling a bird not to sing - it can not be done.  I will always search for and grab at that needle in the haystack - who knows, the right needle may sew up our broken hearts.

I have some renewed faith in my Christian friends also.  We have been asked to join a co-op next school year.  When I received the invitation I contacted the board and asked if "all" my children were invited.  The answer was "homeschooling is about grace and acceptance - if we can come alongside of you and help carry your burden we will"  Wow!  after being shunned for so long, those words made me cry.  I let them know that my 2 older children will be doing all high school classes next year - so it would only be my younger two - still we are wanted.  They know of his mental illness and are not standing in fear, but in grace - my heart overflows with happiness & gratitude.

Please do not misunderstand - I do have a couple of friends that accept my son -- but many, many more that want to pretend he doesn't exist.  The number of conversations that I have been told to "give him back to the state" are far more than the number of "we love yous" I have received.  Thankfully each "we love you" weighs so much more than 10 "send him backs".  I am learning to answer gracefully "He is my son and will remain my son",  instead of bursting into tears.  I want so badly for others to accept him instead of rejecting him and my other children.  But this is their decision, not mine.  Currently I am finding those who possess acceptance.

So all in all - a good week.  I have hope for my son's condition improving and hope in my fellow Christians -  today I dance in a warm summer rain, and can see the rainbows on the horizon.

It's a New Day

My life is a land of adventures.  Adventures are not always fun - but they are usually exciting.  Sometimes I yearn for boredom, yet it never seems to come.  I have survived being the mate of a cancer survivor, 5 miscarriages, 3 high- risk, bed-rest pregnancies, being the mother of a mentally-ill child, being the mother of a child with a terminal condition and being the mother of 4 children that I homeschool.

We are a conservative Christian family - who simply does not fit into the box.  This is an account of my struggles and triumphs - my highs and my lows - my struggle to know God more and understand the "why" behind it all. 

It is said that "Life is not about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain"  This is just me - learning to dance - sometimes gracefully, but most the time - stepping on my own two left feet.....