It was a good day!

Yesterday was a good day.  It was the kind of day that you stick in the pocket of your heart so you can pull it out on a dreary day to remind you that it's going to be okay.

It was my oldest daughter's 15th birthday.  We were all hoping that my son would earn a pass so that he could spend it with us & he did!  He told me "Mommy I was trying so hard to get a pass because I wanted to spend (sister's) birthday with her"  This is huge for an attachment disorder child.  He wanted to be with the family and did the work necessary to make it happen.  Yay! Hope.

It was a lovely day.  He played well with the other kids and we had a great time celebrating my daughter’s birthday.  I know she wished her friends could be at her "party", but was very sweet in saying that "my family is here and that's all that matters".  I made my daughters favorite lunch and then we took the kids bowling and had chocolate mousse cake (yummy).  She said she didn't want us to sing to her and make a scene so we did what any good parents would do -- we sang at the top of our lungs so the whole alley would notice J.

I am so thankful for my children.  I am thankful for their unselfish attitude of putting their family first.  I am thankful that my son worked to get a pass and I am thankful that we all had a nice family day for my daughter’s birthday -- I can't believe she is 15 -- Where does the time go?

Dancing in gratitude,

Amy

Able & Willing

Sixteen years ago we were living in Japan.  This was a wonderful chapter in my life.  We had a great military church & things just seemed to be going our way.  The only thing we lacked was a child.  How I yearned for a little one to hold, but month after month was brought to tears.

We put ourselves on the adoption list & were very hopeful - every time we went to the orphanage with the church all I could imagine was taking one of those little ones home.  But it was not to be.  In September of 1995 my husband was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor - our world crashed.  All I remember of that doctors visit is the x-ray and the doctor saying "see this right here - it's not supposed to be there"  He said many other things - but I really can't tell you what they were - I just sat there - thinking over and over "Oh my God - my husband has cancer."  Then the final words that doctor said "Do you have a will?"  We were sent from the doctor’s office to the legal office on base to make my husbands will.  I was so scared and sad.  Our friends Carol & Tim accompanied us to the legal office (wonderful people - if you know them, then you have been blessed.).  I remember commenting to Carol what a pretty day it was - it wasn't right for it to be so pretty - when I was so gloomy, if God cared it would be a gloomy day.  We all went into the legal office and Dan and Tim went back to do Dan's will - I didn't want to go back, Carol sat and held my hand in the waiting room.  When we walked outside it was the most gloomy depressing day you ever saw - overcast & yucky!  I looked at Carol and said "I feel better".  It didn't last but a few minutes, but I still believe God sent me that yuckiness to know He cared.

Many other things happened - but I want to get to the point of today's blog - so just know-- I'm skipping a lot.  I was so distraught - I needed assurance that Dan would be okay.  So I did something daring ( at least for the Baptist that I am).  I prayed for a sign.  I told God I needed assurance that Dan would be with me so I asked for the only thing I could think of that I wouldn't reason away.   I asked to get pregnant.  I told no one - just hoped and prayed.  In October I felt as if my life were over when my menstrual cycle came.  I couldn't quit crying.  Finally Dan got it out of me & he said "Amy - we are Baptist - we do not pray for signs, we just trust God -- it doesn't mean anything"  But God knew my heart.  He knew that I wasn't asking if He was God or if He was powerful -- I knew He was God and I knew He was ALL powerful - I just wanted to know that my husband was not going to die.

Dan had his surgery in November at Balboa Naval Medical Center.  It was a 22 hour surgery (Dan's an overachiever -- no regular run of the mill brain tumor for him J).  I was allowed to see him at the 36 hour mark.  They prepared me - "Your husband does not look like your husband - there is a lot of swelling"  They were right - He had (I think) 5 arterial lines and a blood drainage tube coming out of his very bandaged head.  What I saw should have terrified me - but when I laid eyes on Dan a peace that I cannot explain washed over me and all I could think was "I'm pregnant & you are going to be okay"  I was not late yet - so there was no "indicator" of pregnancy - just God speaking to my heart.  It was true - I was pregnant with my beautiful baby girl.  Today that baby turns 15.  She has been such a shining light in my life and an ever present reminder of God's unending love.

I want to encourage you today with this "God is able & God is willing.  He wants to be there for you.  Let Him -- you'll be so glad you did.

Dancing in God's love,

Amy

Tough Love

Yesterday was bittersweet.  We had a great family day minus one.  My son continues to struggle in the residential environment.  I don't know if he is testing limits or sabotaging himself because of anxiety but he tends to act out right before a pass and then doesn't get one.  My husband told him a couple weeks ago that the family will be doing fun things on Saturdays, if he would like to see us he needs to get a pass - we will not go in the middle of the afternoon to the hospital.  He will see us later in the week for family therapy if he doesn't get a pass.  He told him "We have moved the whole family up to Arkansas for the summer - your siblings gave up their camps and summer plans to be here with you - we have done our part --you need to do yours.  Behave and get a pass."  I know it seems harsh not visiting on Saturdays - but we are trying to get him to work at being part of the family - just like we are working for him to be part of it.  But it is extremely hard for me -- tough love - I would so much rather hugs and kisses -- but this is what must be done to get to the hugs and kisses....sigh.

So yesterday we were minus one in our family adventure & when I called later he was not on the unit so I didn't get to speak to him - I just left a message.  Tuesday is my oldest girls birthday - we are hoping he will earn a pass - family days are important and they are hard when everyone is not present.  But it is my job to see that she has a wonderful birthday - with or without all present -- And that is exactly what I plan to do.

We took the kids to see a waterfall yesterday -- again quite a feat for Florida children!  I loved watching them play in the falls!  They were having a blast.  It was quite a hike getting there - not an easy climb - the brochure listed it as strenuous - and it was.  It was so worth the climb though -- all agreed.  I think it was the perfect illustration of our life right now - we are doing the strenuous climbing - but eventually we will get to our destination and be so happy we made the climb! 

I watched the beauty of the falls and all the wonderful scenery around and it gave my heart hope - surely the Creator of all this beauty is capable of creating a beautiful outcome in our lives.

Keep on climbing till you reach your destination - the beauty of it all will overtake you!

Dancing in the Falls,

Amy

Mountain Tops

This week we were able to do something amazing (at least for the Florida girl).  We climbed a real mountain!!!  Florida is flat - so when we took all 4 of our children (YES!!! My son did get a pass for Father's Day!!!) to the base of the mountain & they looked up -- they were a bit overwhelmed.  "Ummm - mom -- are you serious -- you want us to climb all the way up that???"  Daddy cut-in "It's Father's Day & this is what I want to do" -- so up we went - 2 adults, 4 kids & a dog.  I felt like singing "The hills are alive with the sound of music" as we went up -- but much to my teenagers relief - I restrained myself.
We hadn't gone far when a snaked slithered out from under a rock -- which sent my youngest into hysterics.  He slithered away & she declared that she wasn't going any farther - "it's too scary."  I told her “you are going to have to be brave - Mommy will not let anything hurt you” and she said "I can't be brave - I'm scared"  So I told her what I have told the other 3 on numerous occasions - "It's not brave unless you are scared - bravery is feeling scared and doing it anyway"  So up she went - complaining - but climbing.
We were about half way up when one of the kids noticed a very small hole in my husband’s shorts by his back pocket -- "Oh well can't do anything about it now- it's just a little hole" so he untucked his shirt and continued to climb.  Like so many things in our lives -- it didn't stay  little for long.   The kids had so much fun measuring the passing of time by the hole in Daddy's shorts.   By the time we reached the bottom of the mountain -- the pocket was almost completely off -- I'm trying to show them the beauty of God's creation & what are they going to remember -- Daddy has bright red undies J.  Oh well. 
They were really proud of themselves when it was over & they had such a sense of accomplishment.

Some things I learned from the climb:
* Climbing up the mountain isn't as difficult as coming down.
* Children who start out complaining about a task - want to do it again when it's over
* And -- my dog is part billy goat -- seriously I never would have thought she could scale those rocks so quickly!

Mountain climbing provided my kids with a sense that they could conquer just about anything -- I definitely recommend it if you ever get the chance.  I’m sure I will be using the phrase “sure you can – you can even climb a mountain” in the future.

I hope you are getting to the tops of your mountains this week.

Dancing on the mountain tops,

Amy

All I Want

Attachment disorder kids can try your very last nerve.  They push you away with the most horrible behaviors.  They make you feel like they do not want to be part of your family.  The truth is - they do not know how to be part of your family. 
It's heart wrenching as parents to realize that all the love we pour out is not being received because the child simply doesn't know "how" to receive it.  We want to believe that love is enough and enough hugs will fix the problem, but for a child that did not learn what love was in the  early stages  of life, hasn't learned how to accept love - they were not given those basic foundations - instead of love they were given neglect or abuse.  When they were young they tried for love in the "normal ways" and it did not work - so why is it so surprising that they no longer try the normal way.  Instead they truly believe they are not worthy to receive love - they are bad.  Now I'm not talking about realizing you have a sin nature - yes I know we are all bad -- but what must it be like to believe that you are so unworthy of love that you will not allow yourself to receive it - even though you desperately want it.  This is the issue that so many of our children face.  It is the reason they constantly push us away with behaviors ( sometimes even violent behaviours) because you are offering what they can not have. 

 Can this be overcome?  Of course it can - but it takes a lot of time and a lot of work both on the parents part and the child's.  The child did not form this belief over night - the belief will not be changed over night either.  Funny we give ourselves a lot of time to take off the baby weight that took us nine months to put on -- same concept - it took a long time to put on this belief - it's going to take awhile to take it off.  Attachment disorder kids have to learn how to be part of a family, how to accept love and how to give it.  It doesn't mean they don't want it - they just don't know how to get it.  That's where we as parents and caregivers come in.  It's not as easy as it sounds - to teach love - it's very difficult undoing the wrongs someone else has implanted in our children - but we must remember this - they want it.

Here are 2 poems written by an attachment disorder child who is still struggling (I'm not sharing the authors name for privacy reasons)  She did a very nice job on them & I think I can safely say she speaks for so many children.

All I Want

All I want is for someone to care.  All I want is for someone to love me, for who I am, not who they want me to be.

All I want is for people to stop trying to change me into someone I am not.  I don't want to be who others want me to be.  All I want is to be me.

All I want is for someone to take time and listen to what I have to say.

All I want is to be able to escape the pain that I deal with every single day.

All I want is to know that there are people out there that I can trust.  All I want is a family that I can keep forever.  I want my biological family to be together again.  All I want is to be able to know my biological family.

All I want is to know that someone will always be there for me no matter what.  This is all that I want....is it too much to ask?

What I Need

What I need is to know that I will never be alone.

What I need is to have someone somewhere love me for just being me.

What I need is for someone to listen to what I have to say once in a while.

What I need is to be able to trust and count on people.

What I need is a family where I can belong and feel loved with.

What I need is for someone to care and protect me.

What I need is a sense of security.  I need to know that I will always be safe no matter where I am or who I am with.

What I need is a home where I can stay.

What I need is to know that I have friends and family that I can count on.

What I need is to know that I will always have someone to turn to in my times of trouble.

That is all I need.

Help for Psychosis

Today I had the opportunity to attend a conference call with the Director of NAMI, Dr. Ken Duckworth.  The call was to address various issues in adolescent mental health.  I found it extremely interesting.  Because some of the parents that read my blog have mentally ill children , I wanted to share something that I was amazed at. 

One woman asked a question about the various drugs for psychosis and how they related to suicidal tendencies -- off of this question came a discussion about a double blind study pertaining to fish oil.  Dr Duckworth cautioned never to stop the medication prescribed for your child, but encouraged anyone who had a child that experienced psychosis to talk to their doctor about this study.  It showed very promising results.

Basically the study took several young people who were predisposition to have phychosis and conducted a study with no other medication than fish oil.  The study showed a dramatic drop in phychosis in patients using the fish oil.  Dr Duckworth said they would be redoing the study and it was his opinion that the directors of the study could very well be the next Nobel Prize recipients.

To view an overview of this study go to www.webmd.com/schizophrenia/news/20100201/fish-oil-vs-psychosis   For the actual medical overview go to http://archpsyc.ama-assn.org/cgi/content/abstract/67/2/146

Hope this helps someone out there.

Dancing in Knowledge,

Amy

New Attitude!

Okay Time for a new attitude. My husband calls me an incurable optimist. I haven't been very optimistic the last few days. Time to get my humor back. This trip has been nearly impossible so far -- if it can go wrong -- it has. So I have decided that I have officially reached the valley -- time to start climbing the mountain. " Things can only go up from here." (I know - I'm so cheesy :) )

1.) Today we will make a schedule. My kids love structure (they actually have been asking for the schedule) - things go much smoother when the kids know what to expect.

2.) I will laugh at myself today -- things are really not that bad -- I will see the humor in the situation.

3.) I will remind myself just who is really in control. God worked everything out so quickly and smoothly for us to come up here -- surely He can handle a little thing like a hotel.

4.) I will remember to be grateful for the things that I have instead of looking at the things I want.

5.) I will remind myself that my kids are just kids and they react to my stress.

6.) We have family therapy tonight - I will decide before the fact -- Even if my little one is not doing what he is supposed to do, this therapy will work -- it just takes time.

This week is going to be better. I can't wait to see what God has in store for us.

Dancing in anticipation,

Amy

We Made It!

Well nothing went like I planned -- but we are HERE!!!!!!! We had a major bump in the road on Friday, so although we still left at 4:30 - it was pm and not am. Oh well, at least we hit the bump before we left Florida. Things were going pretty well on the road - my hubby had decided to take a different route than last time to see if it would be a little faster & I think that it would have been - had we not taken a wrong turn in Mississippi. That little turn ended up costing us almost 4 hours. I was very proud of hubby though -- he really took it in stride. Just a year ago, a minor detour would have had him very upset - this one however; he took with a sigh and turned around. We decided "it's no big deal - we didn't have a specified time to be there tonight anyway" It was a sheer act of will to have a good attitude, but we pulled it off. By the time we arrived at the base it was after midnight and we were exhausted (22 hours of driving). I was a little less than amused when the clerk told us she didn't have us down for a "pet room" - we would have to go elsewhere. I took a deep breath reminding myself this wasn't her fault and explained that this happened last time we were here so this week we had called 3 times to verify the reservation -- 2 adults, 3 children, 1 dog - 90 days. She said she was sorry & I said I wanted to speak to a manager. "There's none available till Monday." I said "Call one". Long story short - we ended up in a one bedroom - where my son slept on the chair because they do not have cots. The base also neglected to tell us when you have an extended stay you pay 30 days upfront -- this would have been nice bit of information to have.

This morning I went to the office and all I could work out was we can move into a 2 bedroom on the 18Th - but they then have us in and out of the base all summer...UGH!!! My attitude really wants to just have a pity party at this point, but I don't have the time. Please pray for me tomorrow as I will finally get to speak to a manager in person. Pray for my attitude as I REALLY do not want to have a good one & pray that we get this resolved.

On a good note we did get to see my son. We saw him for approximately 45 minutes -- he lost his pass which made me sad yesterday - but today, I think it was much easier trying to deal with the whole situation minus one child.

I'm glad the day is winding down; I'm tired & ready to put the children into bed. I can't think about it anymore today...I'll think about it tomorrow....After all tomorrow is another day (insert Gone With the Wind theme music here)

Dancing wearily,

Amy

Off to Arkansas

The house is so quiet (a rare and precious thing).  No one is up yet but me.  We all were up really late last night getting ready for the trip today.  We had planned on leaving really early this morning - but there was a bump in the road.  If nothing, I have learned to be flexible. I no longer "promise" my children we will do anything - I never want them to remember me as someone who didn't keep her word. So now I always say "that's the plan" or if they persist "I promise to try" and I have found since I have done this mental shift everyone is much happier.  I don't get all bent out of shape trying to do the impossible because plans change and I know they can trust me.

So this morning I am telling myself "It's okay we are not on the road yet - plans change and they get adjusted"  I really need to keep this in the front of my brain so that I don't drive everyone crazy with my anxiety.  I like my plans to go the way I planned them, but is it really that big of a deal if we leave this morning or this afternoon - we get the same result - we go to Arkansas.  In 20 years will this really matter?

Last night was eventful.  We had our adoption/foster care meeting.  The group has changed so much from when I was first there 3 years ago.  Back in the day, it was ALL RAD mommies and daddies.  Now it's a nice mix - there are a lot of "Newbies" waiting for their child to be placed with them. I love the anticipation stage - they are so excited.  I just want to bottle that feeling.  We had a therapist talk to us and then I gave a short presentation on "free" things to do over the summer.  This list was really long so rather than making a bunch of copies, I put it in "blog form".  If you live in the Brandon, FL area check out the site  www.raindancerhelps.blogspot.com .

When I arrived home my sister and parents were here.  So everyone said their “good-byes”.  My youngest had a really hard time – She asked if she could stay with Grandma this summer – I said “I know you would enjoy the first week baby, and maybe part of the second; but by the third week you would really miss me”  She replied  “As much as Grandma?”  “Yes, you would miss me as much as you will miss Grandma”  Then my mom was having a hard time – she was quietly saying “Let her Amy”.  But alas, I was a meanie – I’m taking her with me.  After everyone left, my husband pulled up Google and started showing her all the things we could do in Arkansas – this helped quite a bit. It is our summer of adventure – summer of attachment.  I encourage all you other RAD mommies out there to make the mental shift from "summer is scary to summer is attachment time"  We have to have time with our kids to attach - summer is perfect.

Well I think I'm going to ruin my quiet place and get everyone up. Hmmmm... maybe I'll just get hubby up for now  J .

Dancing with Anticipation,

Amy

Court & Slowing Down

Court went well yesterday.  Our lawyer and DCF (Department of Children and Families) spent more time arguing BEFORE the judge came in than the actual court time took.  I just sat there and listened - it's amazing what a lawyer thinks of that I never would - so glad we have one.

As I'm getting ready for Arkansas I find myself having to "reassess" some of my goals.  I am a goal maker.  I LOVE the big picture & making all the goals and steps that are needed to get there ( sometimes the carrying out of the steps are hard for me -- but the planning process -- I love)  Because I am this type of person my goals are sometimes too big.  Do you ever do that?  I try to teach my children to challenge themselves with goals - but still make those goals within reach.  I have to remind them sometimes that it's okay to have several small goals that lead up to a big one - you don't just have to have the big one.  This is where I find myself this morning - maybe I need to make some of these goals for the summer smaller & not put a time frame on the "big one" that they lead up too.

As the children are packing for the summer I find myself saying - "Don't forget your Biblebee things, pack whatever school books you are not finished with yet, don't forget your guitars so you can continue practicing."  Plus we are talking about the different activities we will do while we are in Arkansas.  I have high hopes for my son that is in residential.  And we are going to bond like never before as a family.

Hmmmm - so basically we are going to do everything we do now - plus Biblebee plus spend time at the hospital plus lots of fun summer activities & still end up like "the Waltons" by the end of the summer  hmmm "good night John boy"....Okay I need to rethink -- What are my goals for the summer? - I need to streamline so that everyone can feel successful and happy.  Everyone follows mama's lead - when I do too much so do they & it makes everyone cranky -- simplicity -- that is what we need -- or a least something simpler than going at 90 miles an hour all summer.  Busyness does not  equal structure.

A long time ago my pastor in Japan, Chuck Gafford said "There are many good things life has to offer - God wants to give you the best things.  You can't always have the best things if you have already filled everything up with the good things - leave room for God to help you in your plans so that you can have the best things"  We've been gone from Japan about 16 years now - yet I still remember that part of the sermon.

I want the best things for my children - not just the good things - today I have to slow down - reprioritize and rethink which goals need to be moved to the top of my list and to which ones it is okay to say good-bye.

Dancing the two step instead of the Macarena,

Amy

!!!! 90 DAYS !!!!

Great News!!!  My husband's detail has been approved!  They told him this morning.  We leave June 10th and will spend the entire summer in Arkansas.  I am very excited as I feel this may be what my son needs to help him move through his therapy.  No one likes to be so far away from home, but a child with as many abandonment issues as he has - well, I fear he is viewing this as one more abandonment.  I can't wait till our phone time tomorrow night so I can tell him.

As excited as I am - I am equally as overwhelmed.  There is so much to do before we leave.  Besides the general cleaning that has to be done before you leave a home for 90 days - there is the house sitter, taking the car in, the vet, deciding which things we cannot live without for the next 90 days (and remembering that it all has to fit in the van).  I have a feeling that my idea on this and my children's idea on this is going to vary drastically.  And general packing.  I have already contacted the military liaison and he is feverishly working to get us TLF on base - I pray he can do so.

I am so grateful to God for working all of this out for us.  The chances that a persons employer would allow you to work just for the summer in another state and keep your current position open for you upon your return is almost unheard of -- it is a mountain that my God has moved.  He has moved us from a state that did not have the health care that my son required to a state that did.  He has taken it from a situation from the state telling us we had to choose between our children - to our children all being in the same area.  My God is the God of impossibilities.  I have lived a literal nightmare over the past 6 years, through this nightmare I have learned - there is nothing my God can't do. I want to encourage you - no matter what it is - ask God for His help.  He has brought us through living with the violence of RAD, loving someone who only now is learning how to return that love (sometimes), and almost losing a child to the state among many other horrific things to many to name in this one blog.  The point is this -He has been there for me and He will be there for you too if you want him to be -- He's always just a prayer away.

Dancing with the sun on my face,

Amy

Listening to the Radio

Sometimes hope comes in the form of a song. That happened to me today. I was driving down the road and heard this song -- It immediately made me think of my little RAD and put a smile on my face. I hope it makes all you other RAD mommies feel as good as it made me feel.

Dancing With The Radio Blaring,

Amy