A couple of years ago I read all the Little House books with my oldest two children. I'm not sure which book it is in - but in one of them a big swarm of locust (or grasshoppers) come and eat all the crops - they totally wiped out everything. How devastated these families must have been!
"And I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25) This is a verse I have claimed over and over again for the past almost 7 years. Abuse and Neglect were my sons locust and they ate a lot the first years of his life before we knew him. We have seen the effects and my heart has cried many times, many times I have prayed "please restore what the locust has eaten."
About a week and a half ago was "Novemberfest in our town. This is a time of year my kids really look forward to. One of the local churches bring in all kinds of carnival rides and it’s like a street fair. The kids get arm bands and they can ride as many rides as they like. My two youngest wanted to ride the Ferris wheel -- I hate heights -- always have. So my hubby was standing in line with the two of them - when they reached the top of the line the man said "only 2 riders per cart" everyone looked at me. I took a deep breath, told myself to put my big girl panties on, smiled and got beside my son and said "I'll ride with you". Now please understand - this is a carnival Ferris wheel - it swayed every time you moved - it was horrible! My heart was in feet and I was just trying to maintain a look of a calm, sane person. Up, up we went and my son started moving around pointing at everything "look mama" I could hardly breathe the cart was swaying to and fro and all I could say was "Baby could you sit still please" He looked at me and said "are you scared?" Now - do I really want to tell him I'm scared - but how do I hide it - the truth is -- I am terrified. "Yes baby, Mommy doesn't really like heights - just sit still for me okay" Then he looked at me kind of like I was stupid and said "well if you were scared why did you get on?" "I got on because you wanted to ride" All of the sudden you could see the dots in his little head connecting..."You got on so I could ride, even though you are so scared?" "Yes baby - Mommy loves you and you really wanted to ride" My son then did something amazing -- he reached over and touched my white knuckles (because they were grasping the bar so tightly J) and said "I'll sit really still Mommy" and he did.
Now the amazing thing about this is that last year if he knew I was scared he would have found reasons to move because it would have been funny - he would have had the power - he chose to show me compassion. The other amazing thing is he was able to recognize that I made a sacrifice for him because I love him and he was able to receive that love.
God is restoring what the locust has eaten....
Those of you that know my family personally know that my son is having a tough time presently medically. He has been in the hospital for about a week now with low lung function, but I guess that would be my next blog....
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and yours!
Dancing through a field of locusts who are losing their power,
Amy
Sometimes all that is needed is a small sliver of a chance & the impossible proves to be possible.
Enough said.
Dancing in the possibilities,
Amy
This past week has been – well for loss of a better word -- yucky. It's much nicer having my son near me - but it's hard not being the one that controls things. Right now I am not in control of when and where he goes to school, the doctor, church or anything else - not easy for a mom. Saturday will be the first time since he has come to Florida that he will be allowed on a pass -- I can't wait!
If I have learned anything through this whole process is that none of us really have control - oh we try hard to grab for control, sometimes fool ourselves into thinking that we have it, but when it’s all said and done - outside factors can take control of any given situation at any given moment - control over our lives is just an illusion. Thankfully, I do know the One who is truly in control.
I was reminded of that this week by my 7 year old. It seems they were discussing in church that sometimes things are hard - but God knows the end result. I was told she shared with her class that God is an artist who paints the picture of our lives. Any good picture has both shadow and light -- it makes the picture pretty. We get our picture like a puzzle - God only hands us on piece at a time - some of the pieces are shadow pieces - but they help make the picture pretty -- you just have to remember - it's only "one piece" of the puzzle - God has the rest of the pieces.
Wow -- I am amazed - I told my children that analogy over a 2 years ago -- and she obviously took it to heart. I told them this because I wanted to help them through a difficult time when God just didn't make sense.
When I lived in Japan my husband was diagnosed with malignant brain cancer - it was an incredibly hard time in my life. A very dear friend of mine gave me a puzzle piece and said "Amy this part of your life is like this puzzle piece - by itself it doesn't make much sense - but God has the rest of the pieces - trust Him." I can't tell you how many nights I held onto that puzzle piece - it's imprint sometimes on my hand. My friend gave me a good piece of wisdom and something tangible to give me hope - it worked so well that I have since shared it with others and now my children - the "puzzle piece" continues to make since out of a hard situations and brings peace.
So this is what I want to tell you today -- whatever it is that you are going through - remember "it's only one piece of the puzzle - by itself it doesn't make much since, but God has the rest of the pieces - trust Him."
Dancing piece by piece,
Amy
Today was a bittersweet day for me. Monday we start school full swing (we only did the subjects that are in our co-op this week), so I was busy most the day with lesson planning and preparations. I know 3 of my 4 kids are going to have a fabulous school year. I have planned wonderful activities for them and my youngest has lesson plans packed full of games and all the "artsy stuff" that she adores. I am in sweet anticipation of what the year will bring for them.
Well that was the "sweet part". As I was doing prep work to some of the projects for my youngest - I was sad and happy at the same time. Happy because she will enjoy learning....sad because this time last year I had to prepare 2 projects not one. My son is still not medically ready to be home. It strikes an awful cord in my heart. Most of you do not realize how long it has been - so I'll share --- it's been 8 months since my son has been in my home. I miss him. Despite all the many problems - he is so funny and sweet. I miss the ever source of energy that used to exhaust me. I miss taking his hand and trying to explain things that just do not come easy to him. I miss his soft blond hair & saying night time prayers with him. I miss his unending excitement.
I am very thankful that he is getting the help he needs. I am thankful that even though our insurance has exhausted - he will continue getting treatment just in a new environment.
I am thankful for many things - but tonight -- well tonight, I am just a mommy missing her child.
Slow dancing,
Amy
Well our time in Arkansas has come to a close. My husband is officially back in the Florida office. I am so pleased to announce our drive back home was without incident....YAY!!!!!! J
We came home with both feet running!!! School has started and for a homeschool family that means a bustle of activity. Both my girls were accepted into a performance company. This year I have 1 in high school, 2 in middle school and one in elementary -- it will be a busy year -- but a great one!! We have a full academic schedule as well as a lot of fun extra-curricular activities.
We also are in full swing preparing for our son to come back to Florida in just a little more than a week. He will not be in our home yet - but it's one step closer. Please pray for wisdom for us as we apply for the various services he will need.
Thought for the day: "those who do not laugh at themselves will leave the job to others"
Dancing, dancing, dancing,
Amy
{{ sigh }}
I wish things could be calm for a little bit - but unfortunately the rain is picking up. We were informed yesterday that my son will be discharged within 2 weeks even though the therapist states he needs 4 - 6 more months of treatment. Our insurance has exhausted so he must now be switched over to FL Medicaid. This was always the plan - from day one when we entered the hospital. Out private insurance had 150 days of care, when that ran out if he required more time he would just be switched over to Fl. Medicaid (this is his secondary insurance - special needs adoptions usually provide Medicaid).
Sounds simple enough right?? Nothing ever seems to be simple ...
The hospital also informed us yesterday that they do not take Fl. Medicaid. You can imagine my surprise since this is something we have been discussing with them since day one! It seems they thought he could just be switched over to Arkansas Medicaid and everything would work that way....we are in the middle of a permanency plan for my child -- this would have all kinds of complications. In Florida everyone is on the same page - DCF & the courts understand this is not a case of parental abuse - but rather a case where it wasn't safe to have the child in the home until treatment occurs....you can imagine the mess we will be stepping into if we attempt to change all the players. (if we even could switch to Arkansas Medicaid - which is a big "IF")
A facility in Virginia has been suggested to us by the hospital. I called and checked out the website -- it seems to be a good hospital and a good fit....they even have an opening. Our only 2 problems (1) Will FL Medicaid approve? (2) Our child has Cystic Fibrosis as do 2 other children in this hospital. CF kids cannot be around one another because the different things that grow in their lungs can be harmful to other CF kids (this is the reason they stopped having CF summer camps). So everyone’s particular lung bacteria’s have to be checked before he can be approved to make sure everyone is compatible. UGH! Why does everything have to be so complicated?
So now it's a waiting game - we have applied to the hospital in Virginia, we have applied to Medicaid. We have very little time -- the flood waters are rising quickly.
Thank God we have an advocate and a Doctor back home helping us - otherwise this would be impossible!
Dancing despite the thunder,
Amy
Wow! I can't believe it's been so long since I posted! This week has been a whirlwind. We moved in with our friends Amanda & Gabe. I cannot believe how kind they have been - truly hospitable people with very loving hearts. We spent the week learning how she does everything and they left for Europe yesterday. I am hoping that when they come home I'll be able to tell them that we have found a buyer and sold her house -- they would be thrilled. (They are changing stations with the military). So the week was filled with moving, learning the intricacies of her house and all the technicalities for selling it & just having a good time with our great new friends.
My oldest son finally saw the specialist. His pain had subsided, but we were so thankful the appointment finally had come. He had 2 previous sonograms that had showed a tumor -- this time the sonogram showed nothing -- the tumor was completely gone! I had to fight back the tears when the doctor told me it was gone. Of course the doctor had an explanation of "why" it could just go away -- but I know it is because so many people were praying. God is so good.
Right on the heals of learning my son was going to be okay - my mother called to let me know my Dad had suffered a small heart attack. (literally - I was on my way home from the doctor's appointment) I couldn't help but pray "God I really would like to catch my breath sometimes" - but I knew that God had everything under control - He took care of my son - He could take care of my Daddy. The doctors caught it in time and have placed another stint into his heart. He was released from the hospital yesterday. Again may I just say - God is so good.
Today my child with RAD had the best pass we have had to date. Things went very well. Before he went back to the hospital we had a talk about the things that make him feel safe so we can incorporate them into our house. He became very glum and expressed that he really wants to come home but doesn't think he should come home. He stated that he isn't ready. We assured him that no one was going to make him come home before he was ready & that would be a team decision - his doctor, therapist, Mommy, Daddy & him. It was not a pleasant conversation, but I took it as progress that he was open with us and that he realizes that he is not ready.
Today I am hopeful. I saw God provide us a nice place to stay & take perfect care of my oldest son & intervention for my Daddy. While it is still raining where my RAD child is concerned - today the sun is shining through the clouds.
For a family - together is the nicest place to be & one day my family will have that again.
Dancing in Hope,
Amy
(Cue soft classical music please)
Growing up all I ever wanted to be was a teacher and a mommy, but mostly a mommy. My sister and I spent countless hours sketching the design of our houses and talking about what life would be like when we were mothers. We were going to be the best mothers out there. Kids in the neighborhood would always be at our house, because that’s where everyone wanted to be. Our children would be well mannered, secure and at the top of their class. They would be soooo happy that we were their mothers......nobody can be perfect, but we knew in our hearts - we'd come pretty close.
(This is where the record player screeches to a halt)
Funny how life turns out. I am not a perfect mother and struggle constantly with feelings of inadequacy. There was a time in my life, when my oldest two were very young, that I was well known and very respected in the homeschool community. I believe I gave the image of "having it together" that so many of us want to have.
Enter RAD child. Wow - how this child has rocked my world. Gone is any image of having it together - fact of the matter is - I do not even care about the image any longer - I just desperately long to be what I am not. Our family therapist has suggested the book to me "The Good Enough Mom" time and time again. I can't get past the title....yeah that's what I want to be "good enough" Maybe my epitaph one day will read "Loving wife, good enough mom". Yeah -- that's what I want. I don't want to be adequate - I want to be great! ( I know - I should read the book - maybe one day - but today is not that day)
But – “great” is what I constantly feel that I am not. I allow Satan to place thoughts in my head like "What kind of mother cannot keep her family together?" "What kind of mother let's her child go into foster care and can't find an alternative to keep her family safe?" "What kind of mother allows her kids to go through such trauma?" "What kind of mother has to work so hard at getting her child to attach?" Many of you - your heart is crying right now because you can relate all too well to the questions.
I want to ask you this today - "Do you love your children?, Would you do anything for them?" Then if you too struggle with the above questions (or similar ones) call them what they are - Satan's lies. You are a great mom. If you are like me - you accomplish things you do not even give yourself credit for because your family does not run like the Andy Griffith Show. Try to remember - that’s because we don't live in Mayberry. Our life is not black and white - it's in full "Technicolor". For those of you who struggle because your child is in residential or your family is separated for some other reason beyond your control and you start feeling like "What kind of mom can't keep her family together?" - ask yourself if the women of the holocaust were bad mommies. Of course they weren't - -- circumstances were out of their control. Sometimes circumstances are out of your control too.
My two oldest children do something that is a balm to my hurting heart. A few years ago we did a study on Proverbs 31 ( the perfect women). One of the verses says that “her children will rise up and call her blessed.” We talked about what that meant. My 2 wonderful, sensitive, incredible children will sometimes - when they see me having a bad day - come over and whisper in my ear - or hug me and say really loud "Blessed, blessed - blessed" Makes me tear up just thinking about it. (Just one of the many items that I stick in the pockets of my heart to pull out on bad days.)
I shared all this because I know I am not the only one that struggles with this - I bet all trauma mamas do ( at least to one extent or another). And many moms that are not trauma mamas. It's in our nature, we love those kiddos, so we so desperately want to be what we cannot be. But we can point them to the One who is. After all - isn't that what it's all about "Love God and love your neighbor as yourself" If we were perfect - they really wouldn't look beyond us to Him. Through our imperfection we can point them to the perfect One. And that my friends is what makes each of you an incredible mom - your love for your children - your desire to be better - and your desire for your children to know the loving God. You deserve to be called “blessed” by your children – and one day you will be. You may not be the “perfect mom” – but “your price is far above rubies” because you are an incredible mom – whether you feel like you are or not.
Dancing in imperfection ( and trying to be okay with it),
Amy
Wow - you guys must be praying for my family - Thank you. The last 24 hours have been bright.
We took my son back to the ER yesterday because of his pain level. They did some more tests and came back alternating the word tumor and the word cyst. I said "Which is it - a tumor or a cyst?" The doctor said "a cyst is a tumor" "Maybe technically - but not in my world -- tumor implies cancer." He studied me for a couple of seconds then said "This type of tumor is rarely malignant - the chances are miniscule." Relief flooded my soul. He then told me to follow up with the specialist. I explained our dilemma with both the insurance and trying to actually speak to a person at the doctor’s office - "I would like a follow-up scheduled through the ER please" He urged me just to go home and call until finally I said "I'm not leaving without follow-up care, even without cancer - my son is in a lot of pain" (I don't think he liked me much - I made him explain things to me that he just wanted to rattle off. That's what happens when you have another child with a lifelong disease -- you learn to expect understandable answers to your questions especially when you are accustomed to the wonderful pulmonologist my son has – she treats a parent with respect and doesn’t try to talk over our heads.) We were told the doctor was in surgery and would have to wait maybe a couple of hours." I told him that was fine. Much later a resident came in to talk to me (I guess doc didn't want me asking more questions J) and told me they had spoken to the surgeon and one of his residents would be calling me tomorrow as the clinic was already closed... and so we left. But left with the knowledge that my baby doesn't have cancer!!!!!
Another amazing thing has happened to us. Some friends of ours here in Arkansas, Amanda & Gabe, have offered to let us use their upstairs for the remainder of our stay. What an incredible gift - I was so overwhelmed when the offer was made and now my heart is just filled with gratitude. Paying the hotel bill while we have been here is like paying two mortgages for us (we still have to pay our mortgage back home)- it's been difficult to say the least (but isn't that the kind of thing we all are willing to do for our kids) - this will ease such a burden - I can't even begin to tell you.
And to add to everything else, my best friend Kellie called me yesterday to say she and her daughter were coming up to Arkansas to visit us - they will be here tonight -- I AM SO EXCITED! So is my daughter.
I’m allowed to call my son tonight in residential – I’m hoping things are going as well in that part of our lives too.
So the wind is definitely blowing in a different direction - I'm not as tired today. The storm is turning from a chilling one to a warm summer rain.
Dancing happily,
Amy
My kids are often asked to be brave (feeling the fear and doing it anyway). Loving someone with mental illness is not easy and it requires true bravery at times. Many times though, we overlook at how this affects our kids everyday life - something they have learned in one area will cross over into other areas.
This week my eldest son and youngest daughter decided they wanted to try out for Missoula's Children’s Theatre. This is a traveling theatre group that comes in - holds auditions and the children have one week of intense rehearsals and then a production. We talked about while I was happy for them to try-out; they needed to be aware that there would be MANY cuts - not everyone would get a part. They were convinced they wanted to do it -- so Monday morning bright and early we were in the community hall with almost 90 other children and their parents.
The auditions seemed to go on forever -- the children were placed in a large circle and the directors would move children from one part of the circle to another after they said various lines- which kept all the parents wondering "was that a good move - or a you're getting cut move?". Honestly I think all the parents were more nervous for our kids then the kids were...at least until "it" happened. The director said "Now I need to hear you sing" Oh no!!! My kids don't sing in front of people -- nobody said there would be singing! He began having groups of 10 kids singing together and just would come by and listen in front of each child. "Oh now - that's not soooo bad" I thought. Then "it" happened -- he pointed at my son and one other boy and said "Move forward - I need to hear you sing alone" Okay - there were well over a hundred people in this room - my stomach was in knots for my child. I thought "He's never going to do it -- I know I wouldn't" He pointed at my son and my son did the most amazing thing. He nonchalantly looked around the room and opened his mouth and in a clear loud voice began to sing. Wow - I was so proud -- not because he sounded good (which he did) but because he did it!
I asked him after the audition if he were scared and he said "terrified - but I knew if I wanted the part I needed to do it" Bravery -- feeling the fear and doing it anyway. On Friday night my son made the best Gryphon & my daughter the best lobster Alice in Wonderland has ever seen.
It may seem like a small feat to you - but I think it's huge. How many opportunities pass us by because we are scared? How many times do we not do the right thing because we are fearful? God did not give us the "spirit of fear" hmmm... so who do you think it is that does?
Be brave in your life today - whether it is something that you know that you should do or something that you really want to do. Be brave --- feel the fear and do it anyway.
Dancing with pride in my children,
Amy
Yesterday was a good day. It was the kind of day that you stick in the pocket of your heart so you can pull it out on a dreary day to remind you that it's going to be okay.
It was my oldest daughter's 15th birthday. We were all hoping that my son would earn a pass so that he could spend it with us & he did! He told me "Mommy I was trying so hard to get a pass because I wanted to spend (sister's) birthday with her" This is huge for an attachment disorder child. He wanted to be with the family and did the work necessary to make it happen. Yay! Hope.
It was a lovely day. He played well with the other kids and we had a great time celebrating my daughter’s birthday. I know she wished her friends could be at her "party", but was very sweet in saying that "my family is here and that's all that matters". I made my daughters favorite lunch and then we took the kids bowling and had chocolate mousse cake (yummy). She said she didn't want us to sing to her and make a scene so we did what any good parents would do -- we sang at the top of our lungs so the whole alley would notice J.
I am so thankful for my children. I am thankful for their unselfish attitude of putting their family first. I am thankful that my son worked to get a pass and I am thankful that we all had a nice family day for my daughter’s birthday -- I can't believe she is 15 -- Where does the time go?
Dancing in gratitude,
Amy
