A couple of years ago I read all the Little House books with my oldest two children. I'm not sure which book it is in - but in one of them a big swarm of locust (or grasshoppers) come and eat all the crops - they totally wiped out everything. How devastated these families must have been!
"And I will restore to you the years that the locust has eaten" (Joel 2:25) This is a verse I have claimed over and over again for the past almost 7 years. Abuse and Neglect were my sons locust and they ate a lot the first years of his life before we knew him. We have seen the effects and my heart has cried many times, many times I have prayed "please restore what the locust has eaten."
About a week and a half ago was "Novemberfest in our town. This is a time of year my kids really look forward to. One of the local churches bring in all kinds of carnival rides and it’s like a street fair. The kids get arm bands and they can ride as many rides as they like. My two youngest wanted to ride the Ferris wheel -- I hate heights -- always have. So my hubby was standing in line with the two of them - when they reached the top of the line the man said "only 2 riders per cart" everyone looked at me. I took a deep breath, told myself to put my big girl panties on, smiled and got beside my son and said "I'll ride with you". Now please understand - this is a carnival Ferris wheel - it swayed every time you moved - it was horrible! My heart was in feet and I was just trying to maintain a look of a calm, sane person. Up, up we went and my son started moving around pointing at everything "look mama" I could hardly breathe the cart was swaying to and fro and all I could say was "Baby could you sit still please" He looked at me and said "are you scared?" Now - do I really want to tell him I'm scared - but how do I hide it - the truth is -- I am terrified. "Yes baby, Mommy doesn't really like heights - just sit still for me okay" Then he looked at me kind of like I was stupid and said "well if you were scared why did you get on?" "I got on because you wanted to ride" All of the sudden you could see the dots in his little head connecting..."You got on so I could ride, even though you are so scared?" "Yes baby - Mommy loves you and you really wanted to ride" My son then did something amazing -- he reached over and touched my white knuckles (because they were grasping the bar so tightly J) and said "I'll sit really still Mommy" and he did.
Now the amazing thing about this is that last year if he knew I was scared he would have found reasons to move because it would have been funny - he would have had the power - he chose to show me compassion. The other amazing thing is he was able to recognize that I made a sacrifice for him because I love him and he was able to receive that love.
God is restoring what the locust has eaten....
Those of you that know my family personally know that my son is having a tough time presently medically. He has been in the hospital for about a week now with low lung function, but I guess that would be my next blog....
Happy Thanksgiving to all of you and yours!
Dancing through a field of locusts who are losing their power,
Amy
Wednesday we were scheduled for court at 3:30 - our case was called little after 5. I am so thankful for the judge that has been following our case - many judges would have called it a day and rescheduled court for those remaining - he stayed hours after our case was already heard to make sure everyone who was on the docket was heard.
It has been a long journey to get to where we are now. I look back at the last few years of my life and honestly it's like a movie -- surely that woman cannot be me - and yet she is. I have come from a timid person who tries to please everyone to a person who will scratch, claw and fight anyone for the sake of my children. I have become a mama bear. I have cried out to God on many occasions telling Him that it was too much - I can't be asked to give my child up to keep my family together - it is more than I can bear...God would lovingly remind me of a verse or send someone to help strengthen me.
The day that the decision was made and we signed the paperwork placing my child into state custody was the worse day of my life. I literally felt like I was going to die - I cannot even begin to describe to you the immeasurable sadness, inadequacy, loss and fear that I felt. Yes we were assured by the state and everyone else that after he had gone through treatment we could have him back -- all we had to do was say we want him at any point - (which by the way - it was not that easy) -we knew this is what they were saying - but once the papers were signed - we had no control. But in the end - what choice did we really have -- my child needed serious help that he could not get any other way - so I did the hardest thing any mother could ever be asked to do - I gave the state control over my child.
During the last 11 months I have monitored his medical and mental health outside of my home. I have kept track of medications - picked him up and took him to doctor visits - comforted him over the phone - fought with every state agency I think there is (I think they all now dread the name Amy Pacheco - she's high maintenance) prayed endlessly, moved my whole family out of state so we could be near his hospital, did all the "normal" parenting things with my other kids and discovered who I am in the process.
I have found out that I have many faults – but I have many strengths. There are those that simply do not care about my family that in the past I desperately wanted them to love us – now I have found others who love us for who we are and hardly give a thought to those other people any more. I have found both friends and professionals that I & my family can count on – I have found people that I want to be part of their lives and I want them to be able to say of me “ she is someone I can count on”
Wednesday reunification was granted and my son moved back into my house - my heart is full. He is merging back in so nicely ….but that’s another blog….
Dancing in a full house,
Amy
