Able & Willing

Sixteen years ago we were living in Japan.  This was a wonderful chapter in my life.  We had a great military church & things just seemed to be going our way.  The only thing we lacked was a child.  How I yearned for a little one to hold, but month after month was brought to tears.

We put ourselves on the adoption list & were very hopeful - every time we went to the orphanage with the church all I could imagine was taking one of those little ones home.  But it was not to be.  In September of 1995 my husband was diagnosed with a malignant brain tumor - our world crashed.  All I remember of that doctors visit is the x-ray and the doctor saying "see this right here - it's not supposed to be there"  He said many other things - but I really can't tell you what they were - I just sat there - thinking over and over "Oh my God - my husband has cancer."  Then the final words that doctor said "Do you have a will?"  We were sent from the doctor’s office to the legal office on base to make my husbands will.  I was so scared and sad.  Our friends Carol & Tim accompanied us to the legal office (wonderful people - if you know them, then you have been blessed.).  I remember commenting to Carol what a pretty day it was - it wasn't right for it to be so pretty - when I was so gloomy, if God cared it would be a gloomy day.  We all went into the legal office and Dan and Tim went back to do Dan's will - I didn't want to go back, Carol sat and held my hand in the waiting room.  When we walked outside it was the most gloomy depressing day you ever saw - overcast & yucky!  I looked at Carol and said "I feel better".  It didn't last but a few minutes, but I still believe God sent me that yuckiness to know He cared.

Many other things happened - but I want to get to the point of today's blog - so just know-- I'm skipping a lot.  I was so distraught - I needed assurance that Dan would be okay.  So I did something daring ( at least for the Baptist that I am).  I prayed for a sign.  I told God I needed assurance that Dan would be with me so I asked for the only thing I could think of that I wouldn't reason away.   I asked to get pregnant.  I told no one - just hoped and prayed.  In October I felt as if my life were over when my menstrual cycle came.  I couldn't quit crying.  Finally Dan got it out of me & he said "Amy - we are Baptist - we do not pray for signs, we just trust God -- it doesn't mean anything"  But God knew my heart.  He knew that I wasn't asking if He was God or if He was powerful -- I knew He was God and I knew He was ALL powerful - I just wanted to know that my husband was not going to die.

Dan had his surgery in November at Balboa Naval Medical Center.  It was a 22 hour surgery (Dan's an overachiever -- no regular run of the mill brain tumor for him J).  I was allowed to see him at the 36 hour mark.  They prepared me - "Your husband does not look like your husband - there is a lot of swelling"  They were right - He had (I think) 5 arterial lines and a blood drainage tube coming out of his very bandaged head.  What I saw should have terrified me - but when I laid eyes on Dan a peace that I cannot explain washed over me and all I could think was "I'm pregnant & you are going to be okay"  I was not late yet - so there was no "indicator" of pregnancy - just God speaking to my heart.  It was true - I was pregnant with my beautiful baby girl.  Today that baby turns 15.  She has been such a shining light in my life and an ever present reminder of God's unending love.

I want to encourage you today with this "God is able & God is willing.  He wants to be there for you.  Let Him -- you'll be so glad you did.

Dancing in God's love,

Amy