6,570 days

A couple of years ago there was a Sea World commercial that made a lasting impression on me.  It showed a couple of kids playing with their parents at Sea World - the narrator said, "There are 6,570 days of childhood; which ones will your child remember?"  Wow! 6,570 days - when it's put that way it really doesn't seem that long.  As parents we are given a very short time to shape the ideals & morals of our children.  Kind of gives new meaning to when the pastor says "they are not really yours - they are God's - He's only loaned them to you for a little while."

I'm not trying to imply that we do not have significant influence over our children when they are grown - but it's not the same.  Now is the time to impart whatever is most important to us -   this is the molding time.  What is your goal for the end result - it comes fast -- we need a plan.  Today I attended a high school graduation for a very dear friend's oldest daughter.  I absolutely love this family and her daughter has grown into quite a beautiful young woman - on the inside and out.  It didn't just happen - my friend raised her daughter with the end result in mind.  I love watching her parenting style - she parents with purpose & love.  I aspire to do the same.

6,570 days -- by the time they are 9 years old you only have 3, 295 days left.  Some of us start with a shorter time - I adopted one of my sons at 6 years old - that's 4, 380 days until he becomes an adult by legal definitions.  Many of you have done the same.  6,570 days (or less) to impart all of me to my children - that's a huge job!  May I be worthy to the task.

God has given each of us that are parents a wonderful gift of 6,570 days - may we cherish each one of them.  May we not just be overwhelmed with the task - but also enjoy the wondrous gift we have been given.

Dancing in awe of my 6,570 days,

Amy

What is RAD??

I know many of you are wondering "What in the world is RAD?"  I am only going to touch on the highlights in this blog - but I really encourage you to view www.attachmenteducationnetwork.com for a more comprehensive look on attachment disorder.

Basically when a young child is traumatized (abused, neglected or has had multiple placements) it impairs brain development.  The part of the brain that deals with emotional attachment is damaged, thus inflicting a whole host of undesirable symptoms -- the worst of which is how hard it is for the child to attach.

I do want to stress that there is hope for these children!  They need specialized therapy with a therapist who understands Attachment Disorder.  They need an extremely structured environment with consistent firm, loving parenting.  One does not parent these children the way other children are parented - they need firm boundaries so they can feel safe.  They need training in how to be empathetic - how to love and receive love.  These were basic skills not given to them as babies - we have to do that now.

Is this a spiritual problem?  Well I believe that Satan preys on our weaknesses.  So as with any area in our lives that we are weak in -- yes this can be a real spiritual battle.  My friend Tracy and I were talking about this subject just the other day - she brought out a very good point.  Satan is at the throne of God "accusing Christians".  As parents of RAD children, we are constantly being accused by both the child and others who do not understand.  Our child accuses us of everything!  People listening to our child will sometimes accuse us of the very thing they are saying, or we are accused because we parent this child differently than our other children OR we are accused because people do not think we are good parents to our other children.  Because many health professionals do not understand RAD - we are even accused by them.  So then we understand that this part may very well be a spiritual battle.  But in this too - there is so much hope because we know who to turn to especially when it's a spiritual battle.

What I really want to stress is that there is so much hope for these children!  It is a long journey - but worth it in the end.  These children can learn to love and be loved.  They can learn how to be important members of society and loving members of their families.

Dancing hopefully,

Amy

Feeling a Little Brave Today

I spoke to the children today & told them Mommy had been writing a blog -- they already knew.  They even knew the address, so no surprise there.  I have been a bit apprehensive to share my blog with everyone.  Do I really want to put my heart on display for all to see?, share my dirty laundry with everyone (as we use to say growing up),  & take the chance at being shunned yet once again?
The answer has been given to my prayers a little while ago - I just have been slowly getting into the water - easing myself in (write the blog - only tell a few people) before I jump right in.
Why would I want to share all our "dirt" with everyone?  Well the answer is really quite simple.  It is my desire for God to use our situation - It kind of makes it difficult for Him to do that if we keep everything a secret.  God has come through for us - time and time again - and yet we only tell a few select people.  This is my way of shouting from the rooftops God's unending love and mercy.  We live a very interesting life - we constantly have to rely on God - if our struggles can somehow help you with your struggles - then I guess that would be the "why" of being so open.
I believe mental illness touches many of our lives - but it is a very taboo subject -- especially in the church.  It makes us uncomfortable to talk about - because there doesn't seem to be any quick fixes.  But the fact of the matter is that Jesus died & rose for the mentally ill just as much as He died & rose for us. 
This is an account of one Christian family trying to stay "sane" in an "insane" situation.  It's just us learning to dance through the storms of life  -- I hope it will help you dance too - I hope you will decide to dance with us.

Really - Homeschool - That's Their Answer?

Yesterday I had a terrible migraine.  I took some medicine and tried to take a nap.  When the migraine was finally starting to subside I could hear my two older children and their father having a conversation (prompted by the Cosby Show).  "But Daddy - are you serious - you really wouldn't get remarried if mom died?" "No", he emphatically replied - "I would want to always be miserable" Then one of the children told my husband - "But Daddy you would have to get married again - otherwise we would have to go to school!" "Yeah!" The other child said raising their voice.  They then began telling their Daddy all the reasons they shouldn't be made to go to school.

I sat on my bed in amazement.  Seriously!  This is the main problem to my children if I died - they couldn't be homeschooled anymore???  To begin with, I must admit, I was quite insulted.  I am more than just a homeschooler I thought!

Then as I sat there I realized something that had never occurred to me.  Homeschooling my children has always been important to me; I never realized it was also important to them.  When we started homeschooling, because of a medical condition; I did not feel my daughter was socially ready for kindergarten.  I wanted some more time to work on social behaviors - the academic part was easy.  Then we continued homeschooling because she became involved with gymnastics.  Both she and her brother were on team, so there were many hours at the gym.  I wanted time with them that I did not feel I would get if they spent all day at school and all afternoon and evening at the gym. 

Somewhere in the midst we had another child and adopted a 6 year year old.  Quickly it was clear that I needed time to help this child merge into our family.  The 6 year old had attachment disorder so homeschool seemed like the most viable option.  I am here to tell you - it did not work very well.  At the time I had no idea what RAD was.  He took every second of my time; my other children were left with nothing.  So we came to a crossroad - I could homeschool him or my three others.  My husband & I decided it was to be the three others - for bonding reasons.  When my RAD child came home from school he took up the majority of my time -- I wanted to make sure my other children got some of me, so homeschooling them & sending him to school seemed to be the best choice.

When my RAD son came home from his first residential treatment (he's currently in #2 - hopefully the last one) his anxiety was extremely high.  Everyone agreed he probably would be back in a crisis center in a matter of a couple of weeks if we did not find a way to reduce the anxiety -- so the decision was made to homeschool him also.  It had been a couple of years since he was homeschooled, I knew the pitfalls from before and made a commitment not to let him monopolize all of me this time around.  It took a lot of effort, but homeschooling actually was the right choice .  It gave me extra time to bond with him and create moments that all the siblings could bond together.

The epiphany that came to me sitting on that bed was this:  For us, homeschooling is not something we do just during "school time".  It has become a way of life - one that I (& evidently my children) love.  We have been time period camping to study time periods, my two oldest have flown an airplane when we were studying aviation, we play learning games all the time & we learn to speak intimately with one another. We learn what the needs are of one another and pray for them (just to name a few).  I would not give away the precious bonding times we have experienced through homeschooling for anything -- they are what keep me going when I just want to throw in the towel and send everyone to school.  Homeschooling is not about only the academics - it's about taking those academics and teaching "family".  I AM NOT saying you cannot teach "family" without homeschooling - I'm saying for US it has been a viable & wonderful way of teaching "what family means to us" to our children.

Doing the "mommy dance"...

Amy

What am I Doing to my Other Kids?

Recently I answered the question "what am I doing to my other kids" from another RAD mommy.  This is a question I asked my self a lot in the past.  I want to share my response in case their is another RAD mommy reading my blog.  I hope that it brings you some encouragement.

"I think we all know what you are talking about. My son has done significant damage to my other children and for a long time all I did was worry about what I was doing to my bio kids. This year we came to a crossroad - my son is extremely dangerous at times so we had some hard decisions to make. We ended up sending him to out of state residential treatment. What has amazed me is how much my kids miss him now that they have had a little respite. They pray for their brother and my kids can (and have) taught many other children about mental illness. Our bio kids have something valuable - they understand how to love when the going is really tough -- they understand that love is not always a feeling, but many times a decision. They have a strong since of family and what you do for someone you love. Don't short change yourself - you are teaching your other kids to be incredible people - you are teaching them how to grow through pain and not give in to it. They are learning things many adults never will. Take heart - you are in the midst of the storm so it's hard to see the rainbow - but it is there."

Dancing with my kids....

Mother's Day

Mother's Day was bitter sweet for me.  I woke up to breakfast in bed.  The kids were really sweet.  They were trying so hard to make me happy - so I spent the day with a smile on my face  & tried really hard not to have a pity party that all my children are not here.  I succeeded pretty well. We spent the day at the beach (as is our tradition) and I watched my beautiful children play (all but one).  

The beach always has a calming effect on me.  It's one of my favorite places to be.  I love sitting on the shore, listening to the waves and watching the water come rolling in.  But the water only comes to a certain point - God keeps it from coming in too far.  It's a visual reminder to me that He has everything under control.  It's very comforting to me. 

I received a call at night from the nurse - they were allowing my son to call for Mothers Day (usually we are only allowed three times a week)  Quickly I realized he is not manipulating - he truly is having a very hard time this week being away from me.  It's always hard - this week seems to be worse.  She said they almost did not let him call because he was acting out so badly.  He spent most of the phone call crying ( we were allowed to speak for a whole 5 minutes).  He asked if we spent the day at the beach - it seemed to really hurt him that we did.  Life usually revolves around him here at the house - it's nearly impossible for it not to between all the medical and mental appointments (therapist, psychiatrist, speech therapy, occupational therapy, pulmonologist, GI doc, nutritionist, behaviorist -- to name a few- you get the idea).  I think it's hard for him knowing that life is going on without him being the center.  Add into that "he is just a 12 year old little boy with the same emotions of any little boy - he misses his mom."

My husband has put in a request for detail for 90 days.  If it gets approved we will be spending the summer in Arkansas - I hope it gets approved.  He will then be working in Arkansas for 90 days. This has been hard on everyone my son being so far away.  The therapist is afraid that with his low understanding - she's not sure he can get past being so far from us - to him it just feels like he's been abandoned again.  Going up once a month just isn't doing enough, but we simply can not afford to go more often - hopefully this detail will be approved so we can go on visiting day every week.

Like the waves crashing on the sea - God has this under control too.

Dancing to the sounds of the waves crashing on life's shore....

Our Story in a Nutshell

I just got off the phone with my son.  He is in tears.  It seems he made me a Mother's Day present in school today and he is really upset that he will not see me on Mother's Day.  (At least I think he's truly upset about this - sometimes it's hard to tell the difference between manipulation and reality)  He's had a rough week this week - lot's of aggression.  He wants to leave this facility very badly and it's really hard for me to have him there.  However, it's the best place for him -- tough love is much harder on the person giving it than the person receiving it. 

This is our best shot at recovery.  RAD children are masters at manipulating their environment - they are not allowing him to do it, so he is really acting out.  It was an absolute nightmare getting him into this facility - I pray they will do what's necessary.  The laws in Florida are ridiculous.  When our son escalated to a very dangerous point we were told by DCF that if we did not pick him up from the hospital we would be charged with abandonment & if we did pick him up and he hurt one of the children, they would remove all children from the home and charge us with neglect because we knew he was a danger to the children.  What were we supposed to do?  They were forcing us to make a choice of which child - they would not help our mentally ill child. They offered us no solutions, no hope. There is no provision in the law for a child being a danger to the family.  There are MANY, MANY families in our same position.  The state handed us a broken child a refused to give us the tools we needed to fix him.

Because our son has Cystic Fibrosis - they told me he did not qualify for intensive mental health care.  He's not allowed to have both conditions-- okay but he does.  We fought and fought to get him into a SIPP program in Florida and could not.  We applied through our insurance and were denied based on they did not think he would be cured in 150 days (no kidding - he has a mental health condition - not a cold).  We contacted Senator Bill Nelson's office and he conducted a congressional inquiry -- the insurance did finally approve care - now to get a facility to take him.  Facility after facility denied him based on medical complexity.  It seems everyone agrees - you are not allowed to have both a mental and a physical condition.  In the meantime his condition was deteriorating quickly.  We did tell the hospital we could not bring him home until he received intensive mental health care. (we did this under the advise of DCF, his advocate and our lawyer).  They immediately called the sheriffs dept and he was taken out of our care.  It wasn't long after this I introduced my baby to his "temporary" foster mom.  Hardest thing I have ever done in my life.  This proved to be a terrible placement.  They placed my CF child in a smoking home -- it was another fight to get him out of there - with the help of his advocate - we did.  We also were finally notified that a facility in Arkansas had accepted him.  They seemed perfect.  They had a neuro - psychiatrist and would preform MRI's and such on my son to determine the cause of his mental health issues (as I said - it's not just the RAD).  We were in for yet another fight.  He was no longer in our care.  The state said he could not go because it cost too much money.  REALLY???  it was covered by my insurance - it would cost the state nothing -- didn't matter - the answer was no.  We finally convinced DCF, but not CPI - we had to go in front of the judge to get approval - thankfully the judge sided with us.

We are currently working a case plan to bring my son back to our dependency.  The whole thing has been horrible - to get my child mental health care we had to make him a dependant of the state.  Why?  Because there is no provision in the law for these children or their families.  Many families have terminated their rights completely because they simply do not know what to do.  There seriously needs to be reform. 

I am very thankful for our child's advocate through Disability Rights Florida.  She was instrumental in helping us acquire care.  She went into meetings with DCF and CPI that I was not allowed into (yes as they determine what is best for your child - you have no say) and was a voice that helped keep our family together.

We remain battling - there is a staffing every so often that we have to attend and all records are going to the state - I do not have the final say on my child - again very frustrating.  All I want is for my family to be together - but I want my son to NOT be a danger to the other children -- for this we are punished.
We will continue fighting for the rights of ALL my children - Pray that God grants us wisdom in a situation that makes no sense.

Struggling to dance....